Crime Seems to Pay in ‘The Second Day’

You don’t have to be Scrooge to view tonight’s Lifetime movie, “The Second Day of Christmas,” as one big holiday turkey.

Not only is this happily-ever-after tale about a pretty pickpocket, her 6-year-old niece and a handsome security guard an indigestible mess, its warped morality is downright jaw-dropping.

Tish (Mary Stuart Masterson) sees nothing wrong with turning her little orphaned niece Patsy (Lauren Pratt) into her accomplice in crime: They rob only unsympathetic, affluent men who clearly deserve what they get. When Patsy has qualms that Santa might think she’s a bad girl, Tish assures her otherwise.

When the pair are caught by department store security guard Bert (Mark Ruffalo), the owner of the store (Lawrence Dane) is portrayed as a heartless meanie, refusing to drop charges and insisting that Patsy be taken away from Tish as soon as Social Services opens after Christmas.

He doesn’t call the police, though. With elusive logic, he orders Bert to take the pair into personal custody for the holiday.

Straight-arrow Bert, a wannabe cop, wannabe songwriter, falls for Tish and Patsy instantly, won over by Patsy’s sticky adorableness and the fact that gorgeous Tish is such a (brace yourself) great mother.

Sure, he questions why she steals, but he really doesn’t seem to care, even as he’s calling her on her lame reasons: an ex-boyfriend’s influence, a child to care for, no marketable skills.

In this moral tangle, it’s supposed to be charmingly romantic when Bert steals a Christmas tree to please his charges, and even a mysterious “Mr. Elfman” (Howard Hesseman) connives in getting Tish off the hook.

Worse, all the “good” people smile as planted evidence leads to the villainous ex-boyfriend’s arrest, and as his hand is “accidentally” smashed in a squad car door by a police officer.

Tums, anyone?

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* “The Second Day of Christmas” is broadcast 9 to 11 tonight on cable’s Lifetime. The network has rated it TV-PG (may be unsuitable for young children).