Punch Lines

There’s Also a Nike Swoosh on the Life Jackets: The film “Titanic” is based on the true story of an ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912. But some details have been altered. “Kato Kaelin plays a stowaway who hears one loud thump while asleep in the hull.” (Argus Hamilton)

Titanic II: 20th Century Fox is selling props from “Titanic” to offset its $200-million cost. “It makes sense. Not much chance of a sequel.” (Mike Hull)

Doobie-ous Achievement Award: Firefighters battling a home blaze in L.A. found hundreds of marijuana plants. “Before dousing the fire, they ran their hoses through the swimming pool, creating the world’s largest bong.” (Jerry Perisho)

Half-Nielsen: A TV cartoon with strobe effects sent 618 Japanese children to hospitals with nausea, vomiting, irritated eyes and convulsions. “Erroneous police reports initially said the kids were watching ‘The Tony Danza Show.’ ” (Bob Mills)

Treasure Hunt: Geraldo Rivera signed a six-year deal with NBC News. “The good news for Geraldo: The pact is worth $30 million. The bad news: NBC says the money is in Al Capone’s vault.” (Jenny Church)

Self-Bobbitt: A California man who said a woman cut off his manhood now admits he did it himself with a knife. Unfortunately, doctors couldn’t reattach the organ. “But the good news is that the man has a new hobby: taxidermy.” (Steve Voldseth)

KISS of Death: The military wants U.S. soldiers inoculated against Anthrax. “Hey, if you’re going to protect our troops from the misery of a bad rock group, I’d suggest it be K.C. & the Sunshine Band.” (Perisho)

Dog Denial: Presidential puppy Buddy is starting to feel more at home. “You can really tell it’s Clinton’s dog now. On the White House lawn, it was eating the grass but didn’t inhale.” (Jay Leno)

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The Bite-Sized David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you’re watching a bad horror movie . . .

8. When the dead guy’s hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a “high five.”

7. Instead of hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero.

2. You’ve seen more blood at Supercuts.

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