Punch Lines

Civilization KO’d: Mike Tyson was disqualified for biting Evander Holyfield’s ears during their heavyweight title bout. “Did you see the fight--or as it’s now being called, ‘My dinner with Evander?’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “Boxing industry officials expressed concern that Tyson’s bite would give the sport a barbaric image.” (Richard Acello)

* “Tyson thought Holyfield’s ears were cauliflower.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* “The only person happy with Saturday’s outcome was Tyson’s new corner woman, Lorena Bobbitt. (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Tyson threw out the Marquis of Queensbury rules and went with the Earl of Sandwich.” (Mills)

* “Psychologists and journalists spent all weekend trying to analyze Mike Tyson,” says Argus Hamilton. “Actually he’s easy to figure out. Tyson is the kind of guy who loves his fellow man--with gravy.”

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Around the Country: “The White House tried to fire Florence Joyner from the President’s Fitness Council. They expected her to step aside for a big campaign donor, says Hamilton. “In Washington, D.C., it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.”

Washington has had a heat wave. “It was so hot, people were standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their cold hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly.” (Jay Leno)

“Tourists are gathering in Roswell, N.M., for the 50th anniversary of the alleged alien crash. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Once again, intelligent life is not landing in the desert.”

A dissident faction of Ross Perot’s Reform Party has broken off to form its own party. “You know politics has gotten pretty bad when you have to reform the Reform Party.” (Johnny Robish)

Palo Alto has been named one of the most desirable addresses in the country. It boasts 2 1/2 jobs for every resident. “So does Hollywood,” says Jenny Church, “since everyone in town is an actor-director with a half-written script.”

Newt Gingrich is thrilled over the $85-billion tax cut passed last week. Republicans refused to give $500 a child to people too poor to pay taxes. “But they agreed to issue a formal U.S. apology for poverty.” (Hamilton)

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Sunset of Empire: “Hong Kong’s hand-over at midnight Monday was actually a day early because China is on the other side of the International Dateline,” explains Hamilton. “They’re 18 hours ahead of L.A. They know if Charlie Sheen got arrested 12 hours before he even went out.”

* “In a last-minute decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free.” (Daily Scoop)

The upcoming Fourth of July holiday reminds reader Arnold Wolk of his son, Jeff, when he was small. A fireworks stand had been in place for a week before the big day and doing a flourishing business. As they drove past the now empty stand on July 5, Jeff was amazed.

“Look, they’re out of business already.”