Covering My Bases With Mr. Murdoch
Mr. Rupert Murdoch
News Corp.
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, CA
Dear Mr. Murdoch,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scott and I’m a Dodger fan. Been one since I first heard Vinnie narrate the exploits of Sandy and Maury and Big D. Why, I even became a big fan of Pee Wee and Jackie and Duke and Campy--and they had already retired.
Back then I was going to grow up to be a Dodger. That didn’t quite work out. These days, I write a newspaper column.
But please don’t hold it against me. I’m not like the others. Just because I do what I do, and you do what you do, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I think you’re really a heartless, vicious Aussie sleaze merchant. Some people say that if we examined you closely, we’d find 666. But not me.
If you’re bent on world domination, I figure, hey, that’s your business.
No, I’m not like Mike Royko. When you bought the Chicago Sun-Times, he just moved over to the rival Tribune and wrote something about how no self-respecting fish would be wrapped in one of your newspapers.
What a grandstander. What a hot dog. Well, now Royko’s dead and you’re buying the Dodgers.
And now along comes this guy, Steve somebody, whining in the weekly New Times about how, boo-hoo, he can’t cheer for the Dodgers if a “megalomaniac” like you becomes the owner. His reasoning is priceless:
“Once called a ‘force of evil’ by the Columbia Journalism Review, he helped sustain conservative Maggie Thatcher in Britain while putting topless women on page 3 of his London tabloids. He’s broken English unions and introduced the virus that is tabloid television to the United States while finding time to attempt to buy off Newt Gingrich and the [Federal Communications Commission].
“He is a man who will do and say anything to get what he wants, which appears to be everything. . . .” Then he prattles on about how you “kowtow” to “the authoritarian Chinese government” and so on. He does, however, acknowledge that you’re a better man than Pol Pot.
Steve Lowery, that’s the guy’s name. He thinks you’re a hypocrite for promoting Thatcherism with bare breasts (not hers, thank goodness). But talk about hypocrisy: “I should have done this long ago, should have boycotted the Fox Network,” Lowery confesses. “But back then, sharks like Murdoch didn’t seem to be gobbling at the present rate of consumption, and, anyway, I really like ‘The Simpsons’. . . .
“But I draw a line in the infield with the Dodgers.”
A regular Gandhi, this guy. Convictions of aluminum foil. He won’t cheer for your ballclub, but he’ll watch your TV shows. I wonder how many people will cheer for the Dodgers, but won’t watch Fox?
True Dodger fans, sir, do not bleed Bart Simpson yellow.
No, you shouldn’t worry. Nothing personal, but fans just don’t care that much about owners. Sure, Peter O’Malley was a prince compared to characters like George Steinbrenner, Marge Schott, Georgia Frontiere and Al Davis. But because Peter wouldn’t play political hardball, he didn’t get to play football either. The fact is, you’re a lot more like Walter O’Malley than his son. Walter was ruthless, abandoning Brooklyn and bulldozing a barrio to make the Dodgers what they are today. Peter didn’t get that gene. You’ve got a surplus.
That’s why this fan is looking forward to this deal. It takes ruthlessness to build a dynasty. Ted Turner knows this and that’s why your archenemy is running scared. From what I hear, he’s so jealous, hateful and fearful that he’s conspiring to block the deal.
What a wimp. Remember when he won the America’s Cup? He beat your countrymen in a boat called “Courageous.” Did Jane change him? Not only does Turner fear News Corp., he fears that his Braves would be vanquished by your Dodgers.
Yes, it must really frost him to think that you’ll one-up him. He used his TV network to build a Braves following across the country. You can use your empire to build on the Dodgers’ following around the world. The owners want the game to go global. They need you more than you need them.
If Turner gives you trouble, accuse him of xenophobia and anti-immigrant bias. Remind everybody this is the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s historic step for human rights. What a sad commentary it would be if the major league owners tried to blackball you, a member of America’s tiny Australian community.
In fact, I have a true story you can use against Turner. At least my friend swears it’s true. He interviewed Turner many years ago and, the discussion over, handed him a business card. My friend is Filipino and like many Filipinos, he has a Spanish surname.
“Ramirez?!?” Turner blustered, reading the card. “I thought you were a Chinaman!”
Now, Turner probably didn’t even know the term is inappropriate. He may not recall the incident at all. But remember, you’re ruthless.
And just think of the fun you’ll have . . . I mean, we’ll have, all of us Dodger fans, in the years to come. Sign a couple of free agents, work a deal or two, and pretty soon our Dodgers are clobbering Turner and his Braves and, in interleague play, Disney and their Angels. (Royko, incidentally, was one of those “long-suffering” Cubs fans. In the afterlife, he can suffer some more.)
People are already joking about how you know cricket better than baseball, or how you’ll add Page 3 girls to the Dodger program.
Whatever. This Dodger fan welcomes you.
By the way, did you know that General Manager Fred Claire used to a sportswriter? I was just thinking that, you never know, maybe someday the Dodgers could use somebody like me. (References on request.) I’d be there for you. I’d know just what to say if anybody sees something that looks like an odd tattoo.
“Oh, that,” I’d say, laughing. “That’s 999. It’s Mr. Murdoch’s favorite number. Next question?”
Sincerely,
Scott Harris
Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com. Please include a phone number.
