If It’s a Hit, Why Stop There?

It’s official. Elton John’s touching farewell to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind 1997,” is bigger than the Macarena. On the first day of its U.S. release, it became the highest-selling single of all time, topping previous record-holders “We Are the World,” Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” Los Del Rio’s “Macarena” and Tag Team’s “Whoomp! (There It Is).” Pretty impressive company.

And all this for a song that’s been released before! At first I was sort of upset that Princess Di wasn’t getting her own song all to herself and had to share a song with Marilyn Monroe in the afterworld. Who knows if they would’ve hit it off? But now, here they are, linked for all eternity, the ghosts of two tragic and very public blonds, eerily superimposed.

Then I recognized Elton’s gesture for the stroke of genius that it is: creative recycling. What could be more appropriate as we approach the millennium? As the century wears thin, we need to use everything more than once, from milk cartons to movie plots to pop songs. Originality is out. Having heard it before only makes us like it more.

So why not follow Elton’s groundbreaking example and recycle some other songs for celebrities and public figures recently found in the obit columns? Mother Teresa comes immediately to mind, and so does the answer to the musical question: What song best expresses her benign smile and loving personality?

The Beatles’ “Let It Be.” A simple one-word change, from “Mother Mary” to “Mother Terry,” and we’re in business: “Mother Terry comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be, let it be.”

No danger of late funny man Red Skelton being overshadowed by brighter stars when “Send Out the Clowns” hits the charts. Anyone familiar with his colorful clown paintings will choke back the tears during the new last line: “Funny . . . they’re gone,” overdubbed with Red’s own famous closer, “Goodnight . . . and God bless.” No doubt dozens of artists, from Judy Collins to Glynis Johns (who first sang the Stephen Sondheim ballad on Broadway), would vie for the honor of re-releasing this one, but my personal choice is Barbra Streisand because, like Red, she knows funny.

Everyone agrees that Brandon Tartikoff was a giant in the entertainment industry. Doesn’t he merit a song? I have one that fits him like a glove: “Abraham, Brandon and John.” Consider the lyric: “Has anybody here seen my old friend Brandon? Can you tell me where he’s gone? Up to heaven to create innovative programming . . . “ You can take it from there--and don’t forget “Manimal.” Brandon would have wanted it that way.

As for Abraham and John, standing in for Lincoln and JFK could be the legendary Abe Lastfogel, dean of the William Morris Agency, and L.A.’s own recently deceased veteran newscaster, John Shubeck.

Sad to say, film legend Robert Mitchum probably is best known for his infamous pot bust, a scandal dredged up once again by the film “L.A. Confidential.” “The Joker,” by the Steve Miller Band, seems like a promising tribute song, given Mitchum’s characteristic iconoclasm: “I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker. I do my acting in my un(dershirt).”

But I prefer that old chestnut “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”: “Something here inside tells me you have died, smoke gets in your eyes.”

Bob, we miss you.

Jimmy Stewart, we miss you, too, and we also miss your invisible friend, Harvey, which is what makes Jefferson Airplane’s classic “White Rabbit” such a great goodbye song for you. The tabloids reported that you stopped eating properly after the death of your beloved wife, Gloria, which only makes the repeated lyric “Feed your head” all the more poignant.

Surely a fitting farewell to fashion designer Gianni Versace would be “Johnny Angel,” a No. 1 hit for Shelley Fabares in 1962. Burgess Meredith is no longer with us but his spirit lives on in the teen anthem “Earth Angel,” originally recorded in 1954 by . . . the Penguins! Brian Keith is already in the groove with Sly and the Family Stone’s “It’s a Family Affair,” and wouldn’t Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” be perfect for Jeane Dixon? As for pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, who died last week: “The Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini”?

Now that Elvis and Col. Tom Parker are reunited in the Great Beyond, we could memorialize the King’s mentor with “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits; “Money (That’s What I Want),” which the Beatles covered; “Money Honey,” which Elvis himself covered early on, or simply “Money,” by Pink Floyd.

Timothy Leary was so hip that someone wrote a song about his death years before it happened--”Timothy Leary’s Dead” by the Moody Blues. And the Beatles did everything but put his name on one of their songs, forever after this to be known as “Leary in the Sky with Diamonds.”

The witty, acerbic William Burroughs, author of “Naked Lunch,” might suitably be commemorated by Cole Porter: “Mr. Burroughs Regrets He’s Unable to Lunch Today.” Or on a more sensational note, Cher’s “Bang Bang (You Shot Me Down)” reminds us of Burroughs’ wife’s accidental death at his hands, during an impromptu attempted William Tell reenactment several years ago.

America’s lovable guru-poet Allen Ginsberg deserves a big send-off and Allan Sherman is just the artist to give it to him: “Hello Mudduh, Hello Fadduh, here I am . . . in Nirvana.” And finally, for Jean Calment, the French woman who stayed on earth for 122 years, what else but Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”?

So there you have it, creative recycling combined with shipping multiplatinum and, one hopes, some very moving tributes. What could be bad?