Food and Whine

Is food funny? Well, yes. But. . . .

At the Uncabaret at West Hollywood’s Luna Park last Sunday, seven comedians stood up and talked about food in their lives. Although the topic was huge and general and completely open to interpretation, most chose to speak about the love-hate relationship they have with that most necessary of substances. It was a telling--and heart-breaking--comment on show business, body image and what living among the beautiful in Los Angeles can do to the human psyche. Where, we wondered, is the joy of eating good food?

Host Beth Lapides (“I’ve been on a diet since I was 8”) did talk about the part food played in her and husband Gregg Miller’s courtship (sushi on the first date, “glue” primavera on the second and, further down the line, an unmentionable scene incorporating a mango). But the great majority of laughs came from the blunt chronicling of food-related pain--and a few choice baloney stories.

Judy Toll figured she has lost and gained about 400 pounds in her life, including 27 pounds in a single month at summer camp, where she raided the kitchen and carried off an entire loaf of baloney.

Greg Behrendt rhapsodized over candy, which he was denied as a child and now consumes with ardor: “I eat candy like they’re not going to make it tomorrow.” He especially likes Mike ‘n’ Ikes. The only other food he likes as much is probably mayonnaise. When asked to choose which he would give up, mayonnaise or candy, he proposed that there should be mayonnaise-flavored Mike ‘n’ Ikes.

Cathy Ladman, who once, on a slow, doctor-approved diet, went from 127 to 84 1/2 pounds, described how she could make one slice of baloney last through a half-hour “Three Stooges” show. She licked it for the first 25 minutes; then, taking teeny bites like a hamster, she ate it in slow concentric circles.

Merrill Markoe said she has long since solved her own unworkable relationship with food: “I just don’t eat anything I like.”

In one case at least, overeating did lead to happiness. Scott Silverman told how his mother immediately gained 10 pounds after her divorce. One day, a man driving by got a good look at her back side, stopped his car, and asked for her phone number. They’ve been happily married for more than 20 years.

Lapides ended the show on an existential note, demonstrating that food can lead to life lessons. “Somewhere in the time between puberty and actually having sex, I made myself a tuna sandwich for lunch. It was so good, it was perfect!”

She went up to her mother’s bedroom and said, “Mom, I just had the perfect tuna sandwich and I’m going to make another one.”

Her mother said, “It won’t be as good.”

“But I made it anyway,” said Lapides. “And now I know Mom had the Zen wisdom.”

As for joy, Cathy Ladman did a great imitation of her big Midwestern husband drinking milk, guzzling and panting like a thirsty 6-year-old. At least someone knows how to relish food.