Tourism ‘As You’ve Never Seen It Before!’

Greetings, friends and fellow boosters of the value-added Valley.

First of all, how do you like the new nickname I’ve coined for the San Fernando Valley Convention & Visitors Bureau? The full name is quite a mouthful. ValConVis has a snappy alliterative flair.

My purpose here isn’t to rehash whether L.A. ConVis is doing enough to promote Valley tourism, or whether ValConVis should get a share of hotel bed taxes to promote what we all like to think of as the “Valley of the Stars.” That’s small potatoes. Let’s focus on the big picture and figure out more ways to get more tourist wallets here--and more ways to empty ‘em.

Let’s play to our strengths. We’ve got talent galore here. Yet whenever I walk through Burbank Airport and see those life-size cardboard cutouts featuring the casts of “Seinfeld” and “Friends” and “Frasier,” I’m struck by the untapped potential of what I call “The Great Val Way.”

Yes, just as New York has Broadway, “The Great White Way,” L.A. needs a thriving theater district of its own. What better place than North Hollywood, home of the NoHo Arts and Entertainment District, soon to be the end of the line for L.A.’s subway?

The time to strike is now. In only two years--in May 2000, to be precise--Metro Rail is expected to run all the way to NoHo. If we muster the capital and grease City Hall, tourists could soon step off the train in the heart of The Great Val Way.

And why not? Right now, L.A.’s theater scene is scattered--the Music Center downtown, the Shubert in Century City, a few notable houses in Hollywood. The Valley of the Stars, alas, hardly competes. NoHo’s wiry little theater district is home to the historic El Portal and more than a dozen small stages known for no-name productions with no-name casts. No matter how good the reviews, that won’t cut it for tourists.

The Great Val Way will be different. Classic theater, famous names. It will showcase the full dramatic range of America’s favorite TV stars--a chance for our many classically trained thespians to break out of their prime-time typecasting.

Now that the last episode of “Seinfeld” is in the can, imagine the possibilities for that show’s alumni. I see ads in the subway, enticing tourists to The Great Val Way:

“Seinfeld’s” Kramer as you’ve never seen him before! Michael Richards is “Hamlet”!

The Broadway hit “Diary of Anne Frank” comes to L.A.! Featuring Julia Louis-Dreyfus (“Seinfeld’s” Elaine).

From a show about nothing to a play about nothing! Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander in Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot”!

And so on. The phrase “as you’ve never seen them before” could become so common that the Great Val Way could someday feature The As You’ve Never Seen Them Before Theatre. In another life, the nebbish George Costanza might well have been the conniving Richard III.

The public would eat it up. They’d pay Broadway prices and buy T-shirts too. The possibilities are endless.

Some sitcom casts would adapt neatly. It’s easy to see the cast of “Frasier” in Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman,” with Frasier’s dad (John Mahoney) as Willy Loman and Kelsey Grammer as Biff. When they complete their run, just put some gray in David Schwimmer’s hair and send in the guys from “Friends.” (As for “Friends” women, how about Lillian Hellman’s “The Little Foxes”? And when they’re done, the cast of “Baywatch.”)

Actors seeking challenges could be cast against type. Imagine, if you will, ex-child stars like “The Wonder Years’ ” Fred Savage or Neil Patrick Harris of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” donning torn T-shirts for “A Streetcar Named Desire.” As for Blanche Dubois, I would love to hear Tori Spelling say, “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

Or how about an African-American “Streetcar” featuring Jaleel White (Urkel of “Family Matters”) and Brandy from “Moesha”? Put some script doctors to work and The Great Val Way could feature radical new stage treatments of familiar plays. How about “The Not-So-Odd Couple,” with “Frasier’s” Grammer and David Hyde-Pierce as two Felixes and no Oscar? For the avant-garde, how about an “Othello” with Ellen Degeneres in the title role and Anne Heche as Desdemona?

The marketing concept is tried and true. Last time I was in New York, I saw “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” with movie star Matthew Broderick. After I saw “Rent” last fall at the Music Center, the first thing people asked was how Doogie did.

We are sitting on a gold mine, friends. Hooray for Hollywood and North Hollywood too! There’s no people like show people like no people I know. And if the show people become NoHo people, there’d be no stopping the NoHo show.

And it wouldn’t be just tourists who’d flock to these productions. Another Metro Rail ad just popped in my head:

The As You’ve Never Seen Them Before Theatre is proud to present Miss Heather Locklear and the cast of “Melrose Place” in a classic of American theater, “Our Town” by Thornton Wilder. Featuring a special performance by Hunter Tylo.

I mean, who wouldn’t pay to see that?

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a phone number.