Punch Lines

Audio Competition: According to a survey by the Miss America organization, the public is more interested in contestants’ intelligence and values than in how they look. “So why don’t we put the show on the radio and see how it does.” (Jay Leno)

Ammunition for Thought: Statistics show that America has the highest rate of deaths from firearms. “Which proves that guns don’t kill people, keeping statistics kills people.” (Bob Snyder)

Picture Phones: U.S. West will offer customers TV through their phone lines. “That’s great news; now viewers can put UPN on call waiting.” (Paul Ecker)

Bite Me, Elmo: Kmart is recalling thousands of talking Cookie Monster T-shirts that blurt out an obscenity when touched. “Fortunately, Kmart was able to repackage the shirts and sell them as uniforms to Hooters’ waitresses.” (Steve Voldseth)

Lines of Punch: When Hollywood movies play in Hong Kong the titles translate strangely. “Boogie Nights” is “His Powerful Tool Makes Him Famous,” “The Full Monty” is “Six Stripped Warriors” and “The English Patient” is “Don’t Ask Me Who I Am.” “Oddly enough, ‘Titanic’ is simply ‘Brando.’ ” (Bill Williams)

Starr-y Eyed: Police arrested the Costa Mesa Peeping Tom. He was looking in windows, taping people without their knowledge and monitoring their sex lives. “From now on, he’ll be known as Special Prosecutor Tom.” (Argus Hamilton)

Smoking Pot: Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, dead at 73, was blamed for the deaths of 2 million Cambodians. “The world’s a funny place. If he did that in America, he’d be a tobacco company.” (Williams)

Light My Fire: Followers of David Koresh opened a Branch Davidian museum in Waco, Texas. “It’s a theme park, kind of like Universal Studios. If you decide to go there, here’s a little tip. Stay away from the Janet Reno back-draft exhibit.” (Leno)

Titanic II: “James Cameron isn’t sure about his next project but promised it will be a love story, set either in Jonestown or on TWA Flight 800.” (Craig Kilborn)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 new Yankee slogans . . .

8. “It’s still safer than being a soccer fan.”

3. “Yankee Stadium--where every day is helmet day.”

1. “Heads Up!”

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