Punch Lines

Tripp-ed Up: “You all see Linda Tripp’s news conference? The theme of it was: I am you, I am just the average person. Assuming the average person tapes their friends and then stabs them in the back.” (Jay Leno)

Penalty Strokes: “Diff’rent Strokes” actor Gary Coleman is suspected of assaulting a woman who was seeking his autograph. “What’s next for the troubled actors of this television hit? Mr. Drummond getting caught stealing car radios?” (David Christensen)

Theater of War: Steven Spielberg really went in for authenticity in making “Saving Private Ryan.” “One particularly favorable review I read was written by Ernie Pyle.” (LaMonte Laments)

War of the Gods: A congressional report released last week says the U.S. is ignorant of foreign countries’ nuclear programs because many of these countries are testing nuclear bombs in underground facilities. “The CIA now believes it located many of these sites when reports started coming in of earthworms attacking passing spy planes.” (Jeff Corveau)

Who?: Walter Cronkite will return to the anchor desk to broadcast John Glenn’s return to space. “Across the country, American teenagers are asking the same question: ‘Who is Walter Cronkite?’ ” (Paul Ecker)

The Edge of Tripp: A lot of TV viewers called up stations last week complaining about their breaking away to show Linda Tripp speaking, or one of President Clinton’s attorneys making a statement. They were upset because they were missing their favorite soap opera. “They have to understand, for most Americans, this is their favorite soap opera.” (Leno)

Dirty Laundry: Monica Lewinsky turned over a dress to Ken Starr’s office. “She also handed over her beret, polka-dot chenille dress, and pleated pantsuit in order to take advantage of Starr’s one-day ‘take you to the cleaners’ special.’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Bare Bones: The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled that the president’s lawyer, Bruce Lindsay, cannot hide behind attorney-client privilege. “Ken Starr won’t stop. He just offered Clinton’s dog, Buddy, immunity from paper training if he’ll speak.” (Argus Hamilton)

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