Off-Kilter

Loser of the Week: A new U.S. history textbook for fifth-graders, “Build Our Nation,” published by Houghton Mifflin, covers the Depression and Franklin Roosevelt’s presidency in 33 lines but devotes almost two pages to Cal Ripken Jr., according to a report in Sports Illustrated.

This is an outrage. Not because of FDR, who had a lousy batting average and thus deserves footnote status, but because Houghton Mifflin blew two pages of ink on Ripken while ignoring far more influential historic figures, such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Kato Kaelin and the cast of “The Brady Bunch.”

We’ll be back with another loser next week.

Amphibian Music Department: From the record company that brought you “Deep Polka” now comes “Sounds of North American Frogs,” a CD featuring the croaks and mating calls of 57 species of frogs, including the rare and endangered Arroyo toad and Blanchard’s cricket frog, neither of whom has toured in years. Also included are 40 pages of liner notes.

Which is great if you’re a biologist, but we want to know whether the frogs say something that relates to the common man, such as “Bud-weis-er.” Apparently they might. According to a spokeswoman for Smithsonian Folkways Recordings, “With 92 tracks on the CD, you could probably find anything.”

Creative Legal Arguments Bureau: A mortuary van driver who was ticketed for driving solo in the carpool lane tried to get off by counting the four frozen cadavers he had in the back, but a judge wouldn’t buy it, according to American Cemetery magazine.

Speaking of legal news, we were extremely disappointed in last week’s court ruling that the Famous San Diego Chicken can continue to perform a skit in which he beats up a fake Barney the dinosaur without infringing on the real Barney’s copyright. In our opinion, the ruling didn’t go far enough. We think the San Diego Chicken should be able to whomp on the real Barney too. Indeed, the right to torment purple dinosaurs is exactly the kind of freedom that was envisioned by our Founding Fathers--Washington, Jefferson, Madison and Ripken.

Summer Vacation Update: Welcome to August, also known as National Hair Month, National Romance Month, National Medic Alert Awareness Month (Help, we’ve fallen and we can’t get up), National Spinal Muscular Atrophy Awareness Month (which might explain why we’ve fallen and can’t get up) and National Psychics Month (which you probably saw coming, but a spokeswoman for the American Assn. of Professional Psychics had never heard of).

August also brings us International Clown Week and the 120th anniversary of American F. Fowler’s attempt to walk across the English Channel wearing a pair of 11-foot-long, canoe-shaped shoes. According to correspondent Laurie Kemp, who found this item in an 1878 British newspaper, Fowler made it halfway--11 miles--before rough seas forced him to hop aboard a boat.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “My Toilet Is Possessed by Satan!” (Weekly World News)

Actually, the idea of a cursed commode might not be completely farfetched. According to an article in Christianity Today magazine (headlined “Do Demons Have ZIP Codes?”), some ministers believe Satan’s minions rule over specific geographical areas.

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Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Mike Faneuff, Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times, Solitude in Stone