Punch Lines
The Mess Hall: An insurance company is now offering accidental death and dismemberment policies to cover teachers against violence in the classroom. “Now if they could just come up with one to protect them in the cafeteria on Sloppy Joe day.” (Steve Voldseth)
Starr Treatment: The cost to taxpayers of Kenneth Starr’s investigation of President Clinton has topped $50 million. “Do you know what the difference is between the American taxpayers and Monica Lewinsky’s dress? Kenneth Starr has taken the American taxpayers to the cleaners.” (Joshua Sostrin)
Son of Psycho: In “Halloween H20” Jamie Lee Curtis expands the boundaries of slash films. “In it she plays a woman with a family, breaking the cardinal rule that only the virgin is left standing.” (Gary Easley)
www.nerdville.com: Los Angeles is having trouble forming an Internet users’ club. “The main problem with getting together would be that studmuffin@manly.com would have to show the world what he really looks like.” (Easley)
Cashing In: Did you hear that some movie theaters are doing something similar to those McDonald’s 29-cent hamburgers? “On selected days, you can get a small popcorn for only $7 and a small drink for only $5.” (Andrew Wisot)
Free to Speak: The governor of Utah came out in defense of polygamy, saying he believes men who have multiple wives are covered by the First Amendment’s right to free speech. “Really? Guys with one wife don’t have the right to speak freely.” (Voldseth)
Bumper Cars: “With Albertson’s taking over Lucky in an $11.7-billion deal, shoppers are hoping the two food giants can afford to purchase shopping carts with wheels that go in the same direction.” (Earl Hochman)
The Highest Star: For trademark reasons, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is unhappy about a local church’s plans to put a Walk of Fame-style Jesus Christ star on their sidewalk. “Haven’t they heard about Jesus Christ, Superstar?” (Werner S. Haas)
Wheel of Misfortune: A suspected child molester was caught after a victim saw him winning $4,400 on “Wheel of Fortune.” “Host Pat Sajak became suspicious when the guy said he wanted to buy a vowel and Pat’s daughter.” (Premiere Radio)
*
SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
