Punch Lines

Speak for Itself: A California teenager says “Halloween: H20” told him to stab a baby-sitter with a steak knife. “Who says today’s movies don’t speak to us like they used to?” (Premiere Radio)

In the Groove: The movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back,” the story of a woman in her 40s with no man of her own, opened this weekend. “The White House is already working on the sequel. It’ll be called ‘How Hillary Got Her Groom Back.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Veggie Patrol: With the Vons Club, Ralphs Club and Lucky Rewards discount cards, the large grocery companies are keeping track of the food their customers buy. “The other day, someone came out to my house with a computer printout to show me that I wasn’t eating enough vegetables.” (David Styffe)

Spill the Beans: A gunman held up a Sherman Oaks gift store demanding Beanie Babies. “According to eyewitnesses, he was armed with a Super Soaker from Toys R Us and spelled out his robbery note with building blocks.” (Bob Mills)

Acid Test: A Day in the Garden music festival was held at the site of the original Woodstock concert. “What a change from the old days. This time the only bad acid will be from eating the chili.” (The Daily Scoop)

The Loneliest Job: Sony has offered to replace the “nude camera” for anyone who wants to turn it in. “To handle the influx, they have hired a dead guy.” (Gary Easley)

Present Tense: “Aides say things are a little tense when Bill and Hillary Clinton are together. Well, you know how women get when their husbands humiliate them in front of the entire planet.” (Daily Scoop)

Missing Minks: Minks released by activists in England are creating havoc in the English countryside. “They can be found entering cottages, looking for diamond jewelry and other high-fashion accessories.” (Easley)

Bags R Us: Citing fear of terrorists, British Airways has announced that it will refuse to allow author Salman Rushdie aboard its aircraft. “They will, however, continue to deliver his luggage to any city he doesn’t want it to go to.” (Bob Mills)

An Earful: Mike Tyson withdrew his application for a reinstated New Jersey boxing license. “Well, obviously Tyson bit off more than he could chew.” (Cortes)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.