What’s More, We Could Get Gore

Let’s say it happens. Ken “Atticus Finch” Starr submits his report to Congress accusing the president of high crimes and misdemeanors, and that rowdy bunch of womanizers known as our nation’s lawmakers actually manages to agree long enough to impeach him. Then what? Three words: President Al Gore. Is that so bad?

No, as Clinton supporter Martha Stewart would say, it’s a Good Thing. Gore gets to run for president while he already is president, and there’s a strong chance the country winds up with a Democratic administration until at least 2004, making this columnist and maybe a few other people reasonably happy (it’s the economy, stupid!).

In fact, it’s even conceivable that Gore and his people cooked up this whole thing for just that reason. Maybe his unusually large head hides a brain more Machiavellian than heretofore imagined. I mean, could anybody really be that bland? People underestimated Lyndon Johnson too, and he, like Gore, was from the South. (Note to Oliver Stone: Feature-film rights to this theory are still available, for a price. Call my agent.)

After all, doesn’t it seem odd to anybody that Monica Lewinsky’s dad was a big contributor to the Democratic National Committee? Maybe Hillary was right--there is a vast conspiracy to unseat her husband. She just was wrong about where the conspiracy came from, and it actually originated with the DNC.

Or perhaps Gore is actually an amazingly lifelike audio-animatronic created by Jeffrey Katzenberg while still at Disney, and DreamWorks is currently spearheading efforts to place him in the Oval Office while buying Clinton off with a cushy job in Hollywood.

And what about Linda Tripp? I mean, do you believe that hair? Looks like a wig to me. Could it be that Linda Tripp is actually Janet Reno in disguise? Has anyone ever seen them together?

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If any of this sounds farfetched to you, you obviously haven’t been reading that august journal of record, the New York Times, which this last week devoted front-page space to theorizing that our straying-lamb president, otherwise known as the Leader of the Free World, may have been trying to send a signal of solidarity to his petite amie, Lewinsky, on the day of her crucial grand jury testimony by appearing on television wearing her “special yellow tie.” Wow, we just never do get out of high school, do we? To paraphrase the Eagles, one of the president’s favorite rock groups, you can graduate, but you can never leave.

But what bugs me in all of this is that everybody’s so all-fired pessimistic, especially on MSNBC, which, my friend Tom Frykman claims, evidently stands for More Speculation About Naughty Bill Clinton. Why can’t anybody ever look on the bright side?

What about all the good things, putting aside whether President Al Gore might be one of them, that have come out of l’affaire Lewinsky? (I’m feeling French today, don’t try to stop me--and, after all, French is the language of love, though I guess it might not be the language of one-sided sexual relations as defined in the Paula Jones trial.)

First of all, in these next few weeks, Clinton is bound to get a lot closer to the one friend of his he knows will never be subpoenaed--his dog, Buddy. Good news for animal lovers everywhere!

During the next two weeks, Martha’s Vineyard’s tourist bureau will get a gigantic boost from nationwide television coverage of the quaint New England island resort.

And an added boon for local shopkeepers: Chances are that if Hillary feels like picking up a few expensive trinkets as a souvenir of this “family time,” Bill isn’t going to raise any objections. You go, girl! As every first wife in Beverly Hills knows, now’s the time to collect some serious insurable jewelry as a cushion for those post-presidential years.

The Gore girls got to enjoy a family vacation in Hawaii, thanks to Al Gore’s handlers’ wise decision to distance him some 5,000 miles from the recent events in Washington, or about as far as he could get without actually leaving the country.

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Haberdashers can take heart from the fact that Clinton was wearing a stylish tie. And yellow ties--once the hallmark of Masters of the Universe such as Gordon “Greed Is Good” Gecko, the character portrayed by Michael Douglas in the ‘80s movie “Wall Street”--may well enjoy a resurgence of popularity.

The Franklin Mint must be seriously considering a Monica Lewinsky commemorative doll, given that fellow promiscuous naif and Vanity Fair pinup Princess Diana has been such a hit. On the other hand, Mattel has no current plans to come out with “Intern Barbie.”

Geraldo Rivera will continue to be accepted as a serious journalist.

The news that Clinton, 52, and Lewinsky, 25, did enjoy (or at least, it seems he enjoyed it) some sort of relationship gives aging male film stars like Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford, Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson further justification for continuing to appear opposite female romantic leads who are half their age.

In Washington, DNA evidence and the threat of perjury appear to be sufficient to wring a confession out of a chief suspect. O.J. Simpson must be thanking his lucky stars he was tried in California.

Clinton’s televised address is just short enough to make a nifty sample for a rap song. Puff Daddy, take note. I suggest cutting in Nixon saying “It would be wrong,” right after Clinton says, “In fact, it was wrong.”

The American people have learned that politicians lie.