Off-Kilter

Weird Campaign Promises Department: We might have to rethink our write-in candidacy for governor. Simply put, there’s no way we can match the wild campaign promises being made by Democrat Gray Davis. For example, at last week’s debate, after Republican Dan Lungren delivered an impassioned plea to make California a better place for families, Davis said: “I want to acknowledge that you have a wonderful family. God bless you that both your parents are with you. I lost my father in ‘96, and we lost my mother-in-law last summer. But I want to make this a better state for them and . . . for everyone in California.”

Does this mean Davis has figured out a way to raise the dead? If so, he’s going to be unbeatable, despite his hairdo.

Loser of the Week: We hate to sound politically correct, but it’s pretty tough not to give this week’s award to the makers of Dead or Alive, a new video game that allows players to adjust the bounce-ability of the female characters’ breasts.

Thanks to Tecmo, adolescent males of all ages can now program an animated woman warrior’s jiggle factor from zero to nonstop. What a breakthrough. On the other hand, maybe if a certain world leader had used the game for his cheap thrills, he wouldn’t be in trouble with Ken Starr right now.

Useless Polls Department: In the wake of last week’s presidential sex revelations and anti-terrorist missile attacks, we thought we’d bring you some of the latest polling data:

* 47% of Americans wet their toothbrush before applying the toothpaste, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

* 33% of Americans sleep on their right side, 26% on their left, 18% on their back and 13% on their stomachs. Also, right-side sleepers are apparently more likely to be rich. A survey by the Company Store discovered that 35% of rich people snooze on their right side, whereas 35% of the poor slumber on their left.

* Only one in 10 women thinks Paris is romantic, according to a survey by Just for Men, a hair-dye company whose latest spokeswoman is actress Tina Louise, a.k.a. Ginger on “Gilligan’s Island.” The survey also found that 41% of women think an isolated mountain cabin is the most romantic destination for a rendezvous. Well, yes--if you like the strong, silent, Unabomber type.

Church Humor Bureau: Pope John Paul II’s plan to broadcast a live Mass on the Internet will never work, says comedy writer Rudolph J. Cecera: “It’ll take 30 minutes just to download his hat.”

Quote of the Day: “Judge Richard Jones’ uniqueness and talent, perceptions and judicial temperament are going to be missed.” That’s from Jones’ attorney, David Herzog, quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times after Nebraska authorities removed Jones from office for reportedly lobbing firecrackers into another judge’s chambers, signing court documents as “Adolf Hitler” or “Snow White” and setting bail at anywhere from 13 cents to “a gazillion pengos.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Lifelong Criminal Sues 1st-Grade Teacher for Spanking Him 26 Years Ago!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Steve Switzer, Mark Z. Barabak, Valerie Marz, Wireless Flash News Service, A.J. Flick, PR Newswire