Punch Lines

Wagging Buddy: President Clinton ordered attacks on targets in Afghanistan and Sudan because, according to the administration, there was evidence of terrorist activity. “And there may be more attacks as we get more evidence, about Bill and Monica.” (Gary Easley)

Bag It: Because of the embassy bombings, airports around the United States have really stepped up security. “You know those people working the metal detector? They have to put down the magazines and look at the bag now.” (Jay Leno)

Unhealthy Appetite: The GOP wants Janet Reno to appoint a special counsel to investigate 1996 fund-raising. “It’s simple really. The problem with Chinese campaign contributions is that a few hours after you take them, you’re greedy again.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Unabrother: The Justice Department awarded David Kaczynski $1 million for reluctantly turning in his brother, Ted, the Unabomber. “It was an agonizing decision: Turn in your brother and collect a million bucks or wait till he dies and inherit a dilapidated old shack in Montana.” (Joshua Sostrin)

It’s Official: According to a new study, Americans now spend more money on fast food than we do on higher education. “Well, duh. If we spent more money on higher education, there wouldn’t be anyone to work in our fast-food restaurants.” (Leno)

A Bite Out of Crime: The film “Blade,” starring Wesley Snipes, opened this weekend and tells the tale of a half-human, half-vampire superhero. “Until he got his job back announcing for the Knicks, Marv Albert had been considered a shoo-in for the role.” (Sostrin)

Dropping to No. 2: “Saving Private Ryan” should end up the summer’s second-biggest movie, behind “Armageddon.” “One was about the end of the world. The beach assault in ‘Private Ryan’ only seemed like the end of the world.” (The Daily Scoop)

Milking ‘Private Ryan’: Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg have donated a substantial sum to a D-day museum. “The amount has not been disclosed, but it is rumored to be the popcorn proceeds.” (Easley)

Sleeper Hit No. 3: “There’s Something About Mary” has topped $100 million since its release. “But you can rule out Cameron Diaz doing any hair commercials for a while.” (Daily Scoop)

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