The Wrong Time to Present Their Bills

The Claremont Courier’s crime blotter reported that a resident phoned authorities to say nine baby ducks were attempting to cross busy Indian Hill Boulevard by themselves. They were given a police escort.

Readers Chuck and Storme Leeb note that the case isn’t closed yet, though. The Courier said, “There was no information as to the location of the mother (and) whether police have obtained a warrant for child endangerment.”

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NAME GAME: L. Paul Cook of West L.A. noticed a sign for a Santa Barbara firm that could inspire a few lawyer jokes.

And Andy Dowdell of San Pedro has just one question after seeing a sign posted in Rancho Palos Verdes by Cookie Holic: “Got milk?” (see photos).

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GOT MIKE? The Dodgers, who can’t seem to do anything right since they were purchased by Fox, continue to hand out embarrassingly dated “play books” to kids attending their games.

Who knows how many youngsters still bitter over the trade of L.A.’s star catcher are shocked to open the publication and find “A Letter from Mike Piazza” (see accompanying), which says he is still with the team.

Also featured are photos in Dodger uniforms of Hideo Nomo, Todd Zeile and manager Bill Russell--all of whom have been traded or fired.

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EASY FOR THEM TO SAY: “One of the fringe benefits in teaching remedial composition in a community college is coming across sentences like the ones I am enclosing,” writes a Southland instructor. Some of her favorite student writings:

* “The main thing I don’t like about my job is that I don’t get any French benefits.”

* “He delivers me from evil but sometimes I don’t want to be delivered.”

* “It was the boringest class in the whole school because all the kids in it were supposed to be intelligent or at least bright, at least that’s what they told us we were.”

“I quit going to church when the priest quit saying Mass in Pig Latin.”

* And, finally, in answer to the question of what disease ravaged Europe during the Middle Ages: “The Blue Bonnet Pledge.”

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YOU SEE L.A.: With more submissions from alumni streaming in, I think I’m going to publish “A Guide to Little-Known University Branches in Southern California.” It would include:

* University on Crenshaw near Lake Alondra, or UCLA: Also known as El Camino College (submitted by Mike Palmer, who explained that the body of water is a duck pond in Alondra Park).

* University on the Corner of Lexington Avenue, or UCLA: Hunter College in Manhattan (Chris Howard)

* University on Colorado between Lake and Allen, or UCLA: Pasadena City College (Jeff Evans).

* Atlantic Square University, or ASU: East Los Angeles College, which is adjacent to the AS shopping center (David Estrada).

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L.A. INSULT OF THE DAY: Lynne Lawlor of Torrance came upon a Boston Globe story that spoke of the fear of Red Sox fans that freak things--including injuries--happen to the team on West Coast trips.

The writer blamed it on “the New England bias toward the Left Coast, which in the provincial views offers little but earthquakes, mudslides and O.J. in a place inhabited solely by hedonists, weirdos and assorted other nut cases.”

Geez. Guess they’d like nothing more than for us to be wiped out by the Blue Bonnet Pledge.

miscelLAny:

Marty Rauch came upon a “Stop” sign in West L.A. to which a resident had taped a sarcastic hand-written placard.

It said: “STOP: To bring something in motion to a halt; arrest the progress of; stop an automobile.” Maybe defining it in Pig Latin would help too.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.