LAUGH LINES

The Sex Files: The FBI spent millions of taxpayer dollars probing the private sex lives of Frank Sinatra, Errol Flynn and John F. Kennedy. “There’s only one conclusion: Ken Starr is the son J. Edgar Hoover never had.” (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Sex: According to E! Entertainment Television, Demi Moore will take Bruce Willis back as long as he comes up with a list of all the women he’s slept with. “So it looks like Casey Kasem’s not the only one doing a year-end Top 100 countdown this month.” (Andrew Wisot)

And While We’re on the Subject: The New York Post has reported that a Dr. Nicolo Scadari of Rome is seeking permission to perform the world’s first male organ transplant. “Or, as Clinton calls it, brain surgery.” (Jay Leno)

From Hollywood: Producers of the upcoming animated feature “The Prince of Egypt” say they’ve shown it to 700 religious scholars, and none of them found anything offensive. “Well, there’s one movie that won’t be breaking any box office records.” (Steve Voldseth)

From the Sports Desk: Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu has won a restraining order against her father. “Whenever Dominique’s father gets near her, she flips out.” (Premiere Radio)

Weather Report: “Just to give you an idea of how cold it was last week, the temperature was 34 degrees in Las Vegas, 43 in San Diego, and 68 inside Hillary Clinton’s pantsuit.” (Voldseth)

Home for the Holidays: Americans spend an average of $60 per year on holiday decorations. “That jumps to $300 for people with cats, dogs or toddlers.” (Premiere)

Trying to Protect the Innocent: A parolee led Los Angeles police on a televised chase throughout the city. “Television stations showed the final moments of the standoff in long shot because they didn’t want children to be horrified by the sight of the suspect smoking.” (Gary Easley)

Speaking of Which . . .: Heroin use by teenagers is going up. “Thank God! They could be smoking!” (Easley)

Blown Away: According to the Wall Street Journal, the average network TV commercial costs more than $10,000 a second. “So if someone watching TV has to sneeze, that means an advertiser just got screwed about $30,000 worth.” (Wisot)

Good News / Bad News: Arkansas is the worst state for potholes. “On the plus side, Arkansas leads the nation in front-end alignments.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Department of Redundancy Department: A company in Florida has come up with scratch-and-taste paper. “Don’t we already have scratch-and-taste paper? I think it’s called a Denny’s menu.” (Voldseth)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.