You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Buy

I did all of my holiday shopping at one shop. I made a list, checked it twice, found out who was naughty and nice . . . and concluded that the naughties outnumbered the nice, by nearly 2 to 1. (This also corresponds with the results of a new CNN poll.)

Anyhow, it was a snap buying gifts this year. I stopped at one place and got everything I needed. I can’t remember the store’s name. It was either Victoria’s Secret or Toys R Us, I forget. I always mix those two up.

Here’s what I got:

* For Monica Lewinsky:

A video of “An Affair to Remember.”

* For Rupert Murdoch:

A better baseball team.

* For President Clinton:

A subscription to Cigar Aficionado.

* For Mark McGwire:

A can of spinach.

* For Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra:

A disposable wedding dress.

* For Rep. Bob Livingston:

A glass house.

* For Roy Rogers and Gene Autry:

A couple of Heaven’s fastest horses.

* For Robert Redford:

A horse that whispers.

* For Heidi Fleiss:

A room with a view.

* For George Michael:

A room with a private bath.

* For San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown:

A year’s supply of candles.

* For Rep. Henry Hyde:

An autographed Alec Baldwin 8 x 10.

* For Joe DiMaggio:

A bouquet of roses with a card reading, “Rest in Peace.” No, wait: “Recover in Peace.”

* For Dr. Jack Kevorkian:

A new death-oscope.

* For Tom Hanks:

A movie called “Saving Meg Ryan.”

* For Bob Dole:

A year’s supply of Viagra.

* For Sarah Ferguson:

A year’s supply of Weight Watchers Viagra.

* For Tom Cruise:

A cordless phone.

* For Linda Tripp:

A phoneless cord.

* For Jerry Seinfeld:

A blank tape. (To do the final episode over.)

* For the San Diego Padres:

A video of “Damn Yankees.”

* For Newt Gingrich:

A video of “Damn Yankees.”

* For Augusto Pinochet:

A one-way ticket to London.

* For Saddam Hussein:

A one-way ticket to anywhere.

* For Sammy Sosa:

An endorsement deal with Avis.

* For Jimmy Smits:

An Emmy, for making the NYPD blue.

* For Julie Andrews:

A throat spray, so she can get her voice back.

* For L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan:

A pro football team. (So he can be like other big-city mayors.)

* For Michael Ovitz:

A pro football team. (So he can name it the Mighty Ovitzes.)

* For John Glenn:

A shuttle senior discount pass.

* For Hillary Rodham Clinton:

A pager. (So she can find her husband any time she’s looking for him.)

* For Robert Downey Jr.

A video of “Jailhouse Rock.”

* For Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee:

A projector, to watch home movies.

* For Susan McDougal:

A lip buttoner.

* For Paula Corbin Jones:

A nose half-off coupon.

* For Mike Tyson:

An ear half-off coupon.

* For Evander Holyfield:

A CD of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.”

* For Frank Sinatra:

One more for the road.

* For Zubin Mehta:

A Susan McDougal credit card. Don’t leave home without it.

* For Jesse “The Body” Ventura:

A mask and cape that say GOV.

* For the Spice Girls:

A new girl.

* For Magic Johnson:

A plaque commemorating the second-worst TV program of 1998.

* For Howard Stern:

A plaque commemorating the worst TV program of 1998.

* For Vice President Al Gore:

A Boy Scout manual: “Be Prepared.”

* For George Carlin:

A book: “The Best of Mike Barnicle.”

* For Michelle Kwan:

A gold medal. (On hold for 2002.)

* For Paul Newman:

A jar of sauce that doesn’t have your name on it.

* For Rep. Mary Bono:

A CD of “I Got You, Babe.”

* For Kenneth Starr:

A CD of “I Got You, Babe.”

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or e-mail mike.downey@latimes.com