LAUGH LINES

Trial and Error: Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist would preside over a Senate trial if the House votes to impeach. “The president is so angry at himself. He should’ve appointed Judge Lance Ito when he had the chance.” (Argus Hamilton)

Just Like Everybody Else: Sen. Strom Thurmond, 97, of South Carolina has held public office for 71 years, but he may retire from the Senate in January. “It’s no surprise, really. Some people will do anything to get out of jury duty.” (Hamilton)

Worth the Price of Admission: Madame Tussaud’s traveling wax exhibition has been forced to sew the zipper shut on its President Clinton figure. “Next year, Madame Tussaud’s plans to tour the U.S. with a wax figure of Al Gore--well, actually, the real Al Gore.” (Mark Wheeler)

Nice Try: President Clinton has said he feels our pain about the current scandal. “If that’s all the president had gone around feeling, none of this would have come up in the first place.”

(LaMonte Laments)

Tongue Twister: Jack Nicholson, Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro were among the Hollywood stars fighting impeachment last week. “And rightly so. If perjury were illegal in Hollywood, you could never tell somebody how much you really enjoyed their last movie.” (Hamilton)

Maybe Not: Available in stores this holiday season was a Looney Tunes menorah with characters such as Sylvester and Tweety carved on the candleholders. “Conspicuously absent is Porky Pig. . . . It wouldn’t be kosher.” (Rick Rofman)

At Sea: A senior Navy officer had to resign this month over an affair with a defense contractor’s representative. “It couldn’t last. The Pentagon accountants got suspicious when they were handed florist receipts for $600 million.” (Hamilton)

To Tell the Truth: Fox has announced that its documentary “Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction” was actually a hoax. “The network also announced that the cast of ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ really isn’t in its late teens and early 20s.” (Andrew Wisot)

Smile When You Say That: A new study has found that obesity affects just 10% of all British teenagers, well below the worldwide average. “That’s because it’s pretty hard to overeat when you have such lousy teeth.” (Ira Lawson)

Smoke Rings: The R.J. Reynolds tobacco company has announced it is eliminating 1,000 jobs. “They’ve modernized to the point where they can kill people with a lot fewer workers.” (Jay Leno)

On the Big Screen: DreamWorks’ animated movie “The Prince of Egypt” opened last weekend in second place. “It took DreamWorks 10 years to make this movie. Actually, the first nine, they were just trying to find a Bible in Hollywood.” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.