Punch Lines

Would You Like to Fry With That?: Texas is getting ready to execute Karla Faye Tucker. Her lawyers thought the state would be nicer because she’s a woman. “But Texas is tough. They’re making her cook her own last meal--and when she goes to the electric chair, they’re gonna leave the seat up.” (Jay Leno)

Hussein’s Cantina: Secretary of State Madeleine Albright says the U.S. has run out of options with Iraq. “Actually, we still have one threat that could leave Saddam Hussein begging to comply: Kenneth Starr, arms inspector.” (Argus Hamilton)

Sacred Cow: A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for allegedly serving him a beef burrito instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor’s visits. “In its defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would’ve happened if he’d gotten the bean burrito.” (Dennis Miller)

Obligatory Clinton Jokes: President Clinton’s approval rating has gone up 11 points since the scandal broke, to 68%. “Two more points and he can start dating again.” (Steve Voldseth)

Olympics: “Clinton is denying rumors he will resign to join the U.S. winter team, despite the fact that he’s currently skating better than anyone in the nation.” (Guy Owen)

A Changed Man: “I think the president has learned from all this. He’s trying to change. Last night, he even had a Secret Service agent bring Hillary up to his room.” (Voldseth)

Big Mac Iraq Attack: “Iraq will be bombed into the Stone Age unless Hussein can come up with evidence clearing Clinton of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.” (Craig Kilborn)

Last One: Starr subpoenaed Secret Service logs to count the number of Lewinsky’s late-night visits to the White House. “But the figure simply can’t be ascertained. Turns out her code name was Pizza Hut.” (Hamilton)

Brain Drain: Researchers say the human brain can’t work as quickly at night as it does during the day. “That means those guests you see on daytime shows like ‘Jerry Springer’ and ‘Jenny Jones’ are at their peak mental performance. At night they’re even dumber.” (Leno)

Flip-Top Tea: The latest offering from England is hot tea in a can. “The only problem is the tea bag plugs up the hole you drink from.” (Joe Kevany)

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