Punch Lines

Forest for the Trie: Campaign fund-raiser Charlie Trie surrendered to authorities. “Here’s a philosophical question: If a Trie surrenders during a sex scandal, does he make a sound?” (Daily Scoop)

McJunk: Americans can now join a Junk Food of the Month Club. “So far, it’s not doing too well. Customers are too lazy to get off the couch and pick up the UPS delivery at the door.” (Paul Steinberg)

Ear Patrol: Mike Tyson allegedly beat up promoter Don King. “But King wasn’t hurt. His hair broke his fall.” (Paul Ecker)

Hypocrisy 101: Two photographers were found guilty of harassing Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnie called it a victory against paparazzi. “He made the statement as he posed in front of the cameras.” (Alan Ray)

Obligatory Deep Throat Jokes: Monica Lewinsky and her Brentwood neighbor O.J. Simpson are similar. “They were both scoring champions in college, neither can explain the stains on their clothes and both have sore knees.” (Jay Leno)

Monica on the Rocks: A Washington bar has unveiled the “X-Tern,” a cocktail that honors the Clinton sex scandal. It’s made with a shot of 21-year-old scotch, a dash of bitters--”and is served in a Chap Stick-frosted glass.” (Olympia Daily World)

Ice Capade: Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan met face to face for the first time since the bashing incident. “Nancy had the most famous knees in the world until Lewinsky came along.” (Daily Scoop)

Clinton-Free Jokes: The FAA is working on its year-2000 problem, in which a glitch will cause computers to think it’s 1900. “If they don’t fix it, however, air traffic controllers will have to start diverting flights to Kitty Hawk.” (Gary Easley)

Deep Thoughts: Shane Barbi of the Barbi Twins has left actor Ken Wahl after four months of marriage. “They were incompatible. Shane insisted Einstein’s theory of relativity allows for time travel, while Ken said the potential paradoxes make it a practical impossibility. The marriage was bound to fall apart.” (Premiere Radio)

Tuckered Out: Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker despite pleas from the pope. “First Cuba, now this. Is anybody in this country listening to the pope?” (Daily Scoop)

Name That Funeral: Bob Russell, the co-creator of “Name That Tune,” died at age 90. “We can imagine the eulogies: ‘I can say what was great about Bob in just five words.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.