Off-Kilter

Bird Jacuzzi: Attention, birds! Now you need never fly south again! Thanks to Hammacher Schlemmer, you can instead while away the winter hours in a luxurious “thermostatically controlled heated birdbath” (that’s fancy human talk for “bird Jacuzzi”). It’s the perfect antidote to El Nin~o and, according to the catalog, it can “also be used in warmer months with the cord unplugged.” Wow! Order now for just $79.95 (cash only, no twigs or worms accepted).

Statistic of the Day: Jay Leno and David Letterman told 210 jokes about President Clinton’s sex life during the final 10 days of January--five fewer than they uttered during all of 1997, according to the Center for Media and Public Affairs. The joke flurry was the “most concentrated dose of humor on any single topic” in the past decade, the report said.

We’re pleased to note that Off-Kilter would never stoop to belittling the presidency in such a tawdry manner. However, the newspaper in Hartford, Conn., would, and we’d be remiss not to keep you fully informed. Columnist Jim Shea recently issued predictions about where the cast of characters in the Clinton sex scandal would be 10 years from now. His peek into 2008:

* Monica Lewinsky: Recovering from double knee-replacement surgery.

* Vernon Jordan: Running a successful employment agency.

* Kenneth Starr: Looking into allegations that Bill Clinton may have misappropriated funds during his term as sixth-grade class treasurer.

* Buddy: First Dog’s death is being investigated by right-wing groups who believe the official hit-by-car story is part of a New World Order conspiracy.

Cupid Department: In honor of St. Valentine’s Day (or, as it’s known in Hillsborough, N.J., Special Person Day), we are running a series of reports on romance. Our first installment comes from cyberspace, where Internet sweethearts are being offered the chance to exchange “virtual vows” online. The fake weddings will be presided over by a computer-generated Elvis impersonator and backed by a choir of electronic cherubs. The mass vows will take place at https://www.excite.com between 7 and 9 p.m. on Valentine’s Day. But Off-Kilter sincerely hopes you have something better to do Saturday than sit in front of a computer screen.

Mark Your Calendars: February may be the shortest month of the year, but it’s still action-packed. In addition to celebrations for groundhogs, valentines and two dead presidents, February is National Canned Food Month, National Fiber Focus Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Market Month, National Humpback Whale Month, National Sleep Month, National Cherry Month, National Snack Foods Month, National Grapefruit Month, Potato Lovers Month, National Farm Woman Month and, of course, World Shovel Race Championship Month (in which contestants slide down a New Mexico mountain on waxed grain shovels at speeds of up to 80 mph).

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “World’s Smartest 3-Year-Old Has 504 I.Q.! She Creates Computer Programs, Solves Calculus Problems in Her Head and Reads the Weekly World News!” (Weekly World News)

In other words, she’s qualified to write this column.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Olympia Daily World, Wireless Flash, Hartford Courant