A Little Wrap Music for L.A.

Joanne Bloomfield called to say, “With all these rains, and people throwing plastic over the hills, why don’t we just call the artist Christo and let him wrap up the whole city?”

*

LITERARY ASSAULTS: This column’s latest selection for the L.A. Disaster Book of the Month Club is “Godzilla vs. Gigan and the Smog Monster,” by Alice Alfonsi, a moving tale that begins with the arrival in these parts of lumbering Hedorah the Smog Monster. Hedorah sucks fumes out of smokestacks and uses his “noxious breath” to ignite “fires from the Valley to Venice Beach,” even melting the HOLLYWOOD sign.

Next comes a second monster, Gigan, “out of his underground tunnel” and he begins “tearing down buildings on Hollywood Boulevard.” Underground tunnel? Hollywood Boulevard? Has the MTA been keeping a secret from us?

*

SIGN OF LAZINESS? The Godzilla tome is still another example of books about Tinseltown whose covers carry illustrations of the HOLLYWOOD sign; Eastern publishing houses can’t seem to think of another symbol.

Other books (see photos) include Kenneth Anger’s scandal-fest, “Hollywood Babylon”; David Thomson’s collection of essays, “Beneath Mulholland”; two vampire tales, Robert McCammon’s “They Thirst” and Michael Reaves’ “Night Hunter”; and John Morgan Wilson’s “Revision of Justice” (which is about an ex-newspaper guy--hey, no vampire jokes).

*

THE COST OF FREEBIES: Mention was made here of a classified ad for free firewood, which contained a typographical error saying the recipient must “spit.” It reminded Don Mann of Malibu of another free-firewood offer that contained no mistake but was curious nonetheless. The latter ad said, “You must cut and clean and haul away.” Observed Mann: “Sounded like he was really interested in a free tree-trimming.”

*

ALMOST-GREAT INVENTIONS: Ten years ago, The Times reported that the city’s experiment with 22 battery-operated toilet seats in Civic Center restrooms had been abandoned after less than a year. The $100 toilet seats, designed to power a protective plastic cover into place, frequently malfunctioned. And there was this: “People complained they’re just not comfortable with them,” said a city official. Among the complainers was Mayor Tom Bradley, who had his battery-operated potty removed from his office restroom after a week.

*

EAST IS EAST, WEST IS--OH, NEVER MIND: I received some Godzilla-like flak from readers for criticizing the ad in which a young woman writes her parents that she and her boyfriend stayed up all night on an L.A. beach and “watched the sun rise!” My point was that the sun rises in the East.

H. James Rosenberg said via fax, “The sun rises over the ocean at (Malibu’s) Paradise Cove. The sun sets over the beach. The beach juts out at that point and curves around, creating this anomaly, but you probably already know this, since I assume that your legions of devoted readers have been bombarding you with faxes.”

Excuse me--another batch is coming across my desk now.

Where was I? Oh, yes, some readers said that even at other beaches, you could sit with your back to the ocean, face East and watch the sun rise--a possibility, I suppose, if the high-rises along the coast didn’t block your view.

One Angeleno had a different reaction to the premise of the ad--a young woman staying up all night on an L.A. beach? In the 1990s? Here parents would be out on the next plane to take her home.

miscelLAny:

In Russell Banks’ historical novel “Cloudsplitter,” Owen Brown--a son of abolitionist John Brown--remarks that he is “situated as far from so-called civilization as possible.” He consents to be interviewed by a woman who has “come all the way out here from the city of New York to my hill in Altadena, Calif.” (And--no!--I don’t know if he claims to see sunrises up there.)