To My Teammates: Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

I would like to thank my teammates. They gave it 101% out there. They wrote ‘em one story at a time.

Helene Elliott saw every hockey game ever played. I mean, she saw Slovenia vs. Slovakia, Slovakia vs. Czecho, Czecho vs. Slovakia, Slovakia vs. Sylvania, Sylvania vs. Fredonia, Absolut vs. Finlandia, Schizophrenia vs. Catatonia and Schlemiel vs. Schmozzle. On her night off, she saw the Fukuoka Islanders vs. the Krakatoa Avalanche. I think she even saw those red-faced snow monkeys, before they went back home to their NHL teams.

Ross Newhan, member, Toboggan Writers of America, spent morning after morning on top of those sleds. He interviewed Jamaican bobsledders, Bermudan bobsledders, Puerto Rican bobsledders, Costa Rican bobsledders, Dominican bobsledders (both frustrated shortstops), Virgin Island lugers, Luge Island virgins, Fantasy Island lugers, Monte Carlo lugers and Trinidad & Tobago tobogganists.

Chris Dufresne went quite mad in the mountains. I hated to see it. He was such a quiet man. Could be a case of second-hand smoke, or accidentally sniffing some Austrian’s ski wax. He sat at a typewriter most nights, writing over and over, “All work and no play make Chris a dull boy. All work and no play make Chris a dull boy.” I am frightened, as are his children, Hermann and Picabo Dufresne. It’s a sad tale, told elsewhere on these pages.

Mike Penner hasn’t spoken to an athlete taller than 5 feet 2 in two years. He bends down and says, “Hello, little skater. How’s your lutz?” And they understand. It is so refreshing for Mike, speaking to athletes who don’t spit. He bends down and says, “Hello, little skater. How’s your toe loop?” And they understand. It is such fun for Mike, speaking to sports stars in little lace outfits with sequins who don’t play for the Chicago Bulls or broadcast basketball for NBC. He bends down and says, “Hello, little skater. Triple lutz-triple loop or triple loop-triple lutz?” And they understand.

Mike Kupper is wearing clapskates. Right here, in the office. Kupper claps around the room. Clapper Kupper, we call him. Clap on, clap off, the clapper. This man has seen one too many speedskatings for one lifetime, let me tell you. He watches these people skate around in those Marvel Superheroes costumes of theirs, and he says things like, “Good aerodynamic design.” Whereas, I say things like, “Spiderman won the gold, the Incredible Hulk came in second and the Human Torch got the bronze.”

Randy Harvey has been to one too many Olympics. He covered Montreal, Moscow, Seoul, Barcelona, that town with Lily in the name, you name it. I have seen him go to great lengths to meet people of strange cultures, eat strange food and learn strange languages . . . and that was in Atlanta. I have seen him cover everything from canoe-kayak to Elaine Zayak. But this was the year I saw him cover something called snowboarding. This sport is so stupid, the competitors should wear caps with beany propellers. I still think the winner used the Olympic torch to light a joint.

I would like to thank each and every one of these people for covering their sports comprehensively and intelligently, so I wouldn’t have to.