Punch Lines


Fore Play: An avid golfer who died in April had his ashes scattered on his favorite golf course in Connecticut. “However, while his wife was scattering his ashes, another woman carrying her husband’s urn moved up quickly and asked if she could scatter through.” (Premiere Radio)

Can We Renounce Our College Degree?: Americans with the most education have the least amount of sex, according to a new University of Chicago study. “Look for all the macho guys to start wearing ‘She’s With Stupid’ T-shirts.” (Bill Williams)

The Iceman Stays Aloneth: An international agreement reached this week guarantees that much of Antarctica will remain a “people-free” wasteland for the near future. “Well, that and the decision to run ‘The Postman’ on all 30 screens of the Antarctica AMC theater.” (Steve Voldseth)


Lost in Space: NASA says orbiting debris could cause problems for space shuttles. “What’s the largest piece of junk hovering above the atmosphere? The satellite carrying the WB network.” (Alan Ray)

Interior Decorator: A woman on a tour of the White House was charged with vandalism for allegedly spray-painting two statues in the Blue Room. “One of the statues was of Christopher Columbus. The other, oddly enough, was Al Gore.” (Premiere Radio)

Slam Dunk: The Harlem Globetrotters played their 20,000th basketball game this week. “The team won for the 19,669th time, putting them 19,659 games in front of the Los Angeles Clippers.” (Olympic Daily World)

But What About Marv Albert?: An exhibit of Van Gogh paintings is coming to the United States. “For obvious reasons, Mike Tyson isn’t invited.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Khomeini Bear Jamboree: Iran’s president says his nation is constructing a theme park similar to Disneyland. “The lines are already forming to see Snow White and the Seven Hostages.” (Argus Hamilton)


The Iceberg-Damaged David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you’ve seen “Titanic” too many times. . . .

10. You keep asking the bus driver whether there are enough lifeboats.

7. Your “Jurassic Park” pajamas now seem horribly outdated.

3. After 1,000th viewing, you finally realize the ship’s gonna sink every darned time.