But, If You Were to Ask . . .

The major league baseball season is on hold, the only suspense is who’ll be the wild-card entries and will Mark McGwire, Junior Griffey or Sammy Sosa--or all three--break Roger Maris’ record, France has four years to celebrate its World Cup win.

It might be time to revive again that handy literary invention of my colleague, the late, great Jimmy Cannon, “Nobody Asked Me But. . . .”

So, nobody asked me either, but . . .

I never go to movies advertised as “raunchy.” I get all the raunch I need on my beat; I don’t need to pay $7.70 for it.

Anyway, about one out of 25 “dirty” jokes is actually funny. That includes all Viagra jokes.

I think the World Cup’s method of playing off tie games is obscene. I mean, kicking an 18-ounce ball into a net eight yards wide and eight feet high from 12 yards out is like settling a golf tournament with 12-inch putts. Talk about showdown poker. Why don’t they just flip a coin?

I wish people would stop with this “role model” sanctimony. All we ask of these guys is, they stop beating up their wives and girlfriends.

I wish Real Quiet got his head up in the Belmont. So we would have the first dead heat in Triple Crown history.

I might agree Michael Jordan is the best basketball player of all time, but I can’t help thinking I’d like to have seen him try to dunk the ball over Bill Russell.

We’ll all be 25 years younger this week at the U.S. Senior Open at Riviera. Iron the wrinkles out, but mist up the bifocals.

You think Maris and Babe Ruth are about to be run over and their 61-60 homer marks retired, but what about poor Hack Wilson? His 190 RBI record has stood for 68 years. The homer record is only 37 years old.

I think Jerry Buss should do everything possible to keep Jerry West. Jerry West can spot a great player from the window of a moving train, a la Branch Rickey.

I never bought an article of clothing because some famous athlete told me to, but, then, I never had a diamond in my ear, either.

I repeat. I think ponytails belong on granddaughters, not grandfathers.

I’m amused that they’re surprised the World Cup of 1994 got better TV ratings than the World Cup of ’98. Of course, it did, silly! The World Cup of ’94 was played in the States (Rose Bowl). Why do you think the IOC, which has five rings in its flag, representing the five continents, puts the Olympic Games on the North American continent every chance it gets (four times in the past seven Summer Olympics--Mexico City, Montreal, Los Angeles, Atlanta)? TV ratings, dummkopfs! Put ‘em in Asia and you can’t tell to the nearest week when the event you’re looking at took place.

If I’m the manager, I never bunt. How can you take the bat out of a guy’s hands in a game that had 4,640 home runs last year?

Speaking of home runs, I’m happy for Junior Griffey, but did you know there were 264 home runs hit in the Kingdome in Seattle last year? That’s 87 more than were hit at Yankee Stadium.

The World Wrestling Federation matches in the ring are all faked, but the customers aren’t. I was with Freddie Blassie one night when a ringsider threw acid all over him. The acid was on the level.

I believe David Stern is far and away the best commissioner any sport has. But then the contention is not very deep.

I don’t listen to guys who tell me Pete Sampras is dull. Since when do sportswriters need guys who kick photographers, butt referees or choke their coaches to make their copy colorful?

They call their soccer fans “hooligans” but my notion is, the Brits need a war every generation or so or they get restless. They count on Napoleon, or the Kaiser or Hitler flying at their throats. If they don’t get it, they take out their belligerence on Marseille or Brussels or Glasgow.

I can think of a lot of guys I’d rather have shoot an 82 than Nick Price.

I can’t believe a team that has Albert Belle and Frank Thomas on it is 13 games out of the lead. But then I can’t believe the Red Sox are playing almost .600 ball and are 14 games behind. Are the Yankees for real?

I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but I don’t care who wins the Davis Cup. Or the Ryder Cup. But I do wonder why golfers yearn and strive to make the Ryder Cup team even though they don’t get paid while tennis players go out of their way to duck the Davis Cup for which they do get paid.

I still think Joe Louis was the greatest fighter of all time. I make Gene Tunney no worse than third.

I wish I were 20 years younger.