Punch Lines

Better Days: The post office will be commemorating the ‘50s with a new collection of stamps. “If the Postal Service really wants to remember the ‘50s, bring back the 3-cent price.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Boycott Bloopers: A judge has ordered General Motors and the United Auto Workers into arbitration to settle their strike. “Why do they call them picket lines if all they do is walk in circles? Why not ‘picket circles’?” (Premiere Radio)

Charity Choosing: According to the New York Post, the money for Paula Jones’ $9,000 nose job came from an anonymous donor. “That’s when you know you’re unattractive, when strangers just send you cash. ‘Lady, I saw you. Here, fix your nose!’ ” (Jay Leno)

Party Time!: In Michigan, a beer delivery truck overturned on the highway, spilling 2,000 cases onto the road. “Fortunately, hundreds of frogs hopped by and drank it up.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Batters Up!: Chicago White Sox star Albert Belle has been accused of domestic battery. “Albert says he’s completely innocent and will kill the bleeping reporter who suggests he’s violent.” (Premiere)

The Great Magician: Actor-comedian Tommy Davidson has been named Magic Johnson’s new sidekick on “The Magic Hour.” “He’d have an easier time reviving Sinatra than reviving that show.” (Premiere)

I Will Survive: A federal judge upheld Proposition 227, which bans bilingual education in California. Everything’s in English now. “The Taco Bell Chihuahua was last seen feigning an interest in strawberries and cream to keep the commercial gig.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Bitten Apple: By 2000, New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani plans to put every New Yorker to work. “Muggers in Central Park are protesting, saying they don’t want any more competition.” (Paul Ecker)

Another bite: Mayor Giuliani says it may take more than bikinis or T-shirts to put the city’s sex clubs in line with a new zoning ordinance. Many club owners say they will cover up their exotic dancers to prepare for city inspectors’ visits. “Inspectors will be armed with clipboards, citation slips and $1 and $5 bills.” (Mark Wheeler)

She’s Back: Julie Andrews is coming back to Broadway. “She left?” (Cecera)

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