Punch Lines

Perk Up: It’s in the news that House Speaker Newt Gingrich is No. 1 in accepting free airline tickets from corporations. He swears that every bit of the travel was work-related. “That definitely qualifies him for bonus frequent liar miles.” (LaMonte Laments)

The Pitts: Brad Pitt may star in a film about a pair of brothers whose business is smuggling, selling and smoking marijuana. “Everyone else bailed out of the other part when they heard Robert Downey Jr. had already read for it.” (Jerry Perisho)

As Loud as It Gets: More moviegoers are noticing lately that the season’s films are getting louder and louder. “In fact, THX has a new slogan: ‘People in the other room are listening too.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Yeah? So What?: Republicans in the Senate unveiled a new health care plan. Under the Republican plan, you can appeal to your HMO, but the final decision is not binding. “In other words, you can complain to whomever you want to, but you’re still screwed.” (Jay Leno)

Mouse Magic: Walt Disney’s first animated cartoon has been found and restored. It is the rarest of all rarities. “Finally, a Disney cartoon that has not been merchandised.” (Joe Kevany)

Hooray for Dumbo!: Texas is being scorched with record high temperatures. “Fortunately, Ross Perot’s ears are providing shade for thousands.” (Premiere)

Border Patrol: This week, a federal grand jury indicted 11 members of a major cocaine trafficking ring based in Tijuana. “If convicted, the men could spend up to 25 years running the drug ring smoothly from prison.” (Dennis Miller)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 Greatest Books of All Time About Guys Named Steve:

10. “War and Peace and Steve.”

9. “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves.

8. “The Grapes of Steve.”

7. “The Steves of Wrath.”

5. “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Steve Is From Cleveland.”

4. “Where’s Waldo? Is He With Steve?”

3. “Time-Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: Mysterious Guys Named Steve.”

2. “The Joy of Sex With Steve.”

1. “The Bible (King Steve Version)”

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