Punch Lines

True to Life: Steven Spielberg’s new war movie, “Saving Private Ryan,” is being heralded as one of the most graphic depictions of battle ever filmed. “It’s so real that outside a theater in Atlanta, Jane Fonda was seen picketing it.” (Bob Mills)

Back to Basics: Jerry Springer has brought back scuffles to his show. “And now that school’s just around the corner, they’re recruiting new guests with their annual ‘Back to Fool’ sale.” (Andrew Wisot)

Little Doe: “Now that Jodie Foster is a mom, she’ll soon begin work on a children’s movie. It’s called ‘Silence of the Little Lambs, Little Lambs, Little Lambs.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Bean Power: Spain has a new power plant that runs entirely on olives. Plant officials plan to burn 83,000 tons of olive waste a year to generate about 14 megawatts of electricity. “How long will it be before someone discovers the hidden power-generating abilities of pinto beans?” (Andy Waits)


To Wong Foo 2: Wesley Snipes has a new science fiction movie coming out called “Blade.” Snipes plays a character who’s half man and half woman. “That’s got to be rough, having jock itch and PMS.” (Jay Leno)

Reconstruction: A construction worker in Eau Claire, Wis., was shot in the head with a nail gun that drove a 3-inch nail into his brain. As a result of the accident, he now has trouble calculating numbers. “He hired an attorney and filed suit against his employer for $9.12.” (Jerry Perisho)

The Bodyguard: “It appears the father of Princess Stephanie’s new baby is another one of her bodyguards. This is the second or third bodyguard she’s had a baby with. Princess Stephanie doesn’t need bodyguards for protection, she needs bodyguards with protection.” (Leno)

Long Way Home: The FAA says it’s confident its computers will know the difference between 2000 and 1900 and that passengers will arrive safely. “However, they do recommend if you’re planning to travel on Jan. 1, 2000, you might want to hang on to your luggage.” (Steve Voldseth)


My Darling Emmy: Once again the cable networks soundly trashed the TV networks in number of Emmy nominations. The TV networks are demanding a separate category for their efforts. “It would be called ‘Best Recycled, Unimaginative Dreck Produced to Kill Time Between Commercials.’ ” (Mills)

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