Punch Lines

Hazardous Duty: President Clinton ordered the Justice Department to provide funding for 700 more police in high-crime areas. “Already his plan has had unintended consequences. Janet Reno assigned five officers to the Oval Office.” (Argus Hamilton)

News Alert: Two men robbed a pharmacy of two years’ worth of Viagra. “Be on the lookout for these hardened criminals.” (Nicole Campbell)

Shaggy Tequila: A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila from the bartender, who lines them up in front of the patron. The man drinks down all 10 shots in less than a minute.

The bartender exclaims: “I’ve never seen anyone drink 10 shots of tequila that fast.”


The man answers: “Well, if you had what I have, you could do it.” The bartender asks, with concern in his voice: “Why, what do you have?” The man answers: “Seventy-five cents.” (Paul Ecker)

Getting Their Zs: Heavyweight boxers George Foreman and Larry Holmes will duke it out in Las Vegas. “I’m not saying these guys are old, but they’re planning to nap between rounds.” (Buzz Report)

The Bomb: “Rand-McNally’s World Atlas came out today. To give you an idea of how current it is, India and Pakistan are not even on it.” (Jay Leno)

Leapin’ Lizard: The No. 1 movie continues to be “Godzilla.” “Do you think before a scene, Godzilla ever says to the director: ‘Do I have any people in my teeth?’ ” (Leno)


And: “Do you think atheists just call it ‘Zilla’?” (Leno)

And Again: “Godzilla” is No. 1 at the box office but is considered a dud with a take of only about $18 million for the weekend. “Critics are starting to call it ‘Godzero.’ ”

“Deep Impact,” with about $10 million, continues to do well. “New York and Washington are destroyed in this one, which is why they’re calling it ‘the feel-good movie of the summer.’ ” (Albert Perrotta)



Spice Up Your Life

The sudden departure of the Spice Girls’ Ginger Spice has everyone playing the replacement game. David Fryden and Diane Williams offer these suggestions:

* Mickey and Minnie as Mice Spice

* Andrew Dice Clay as Dice Spice


* The Three Musketeers as Thrice Spice

* Bob Hope as Old Spice

* Kindergartners with hair problems: Lice Spice

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.