Punch Lines
Clunk: President Clinton has a big bump on his forehead. “Who does he think he is, Jerry Ford?” (Albert Perrotta)
Spice Line: Ginger Spice says she’s left the group due to differences. “I think we can rule out creative.” (Jay Leno)
More: “Ginger Spice also announced that after she leaves the group she’ll get bigger implants and perform under the name ‘Spice Rack.’ ” (Leno)
Viagravation: The FDA is looking into the deaths of six men who were taking Viagra. “The really sad thing is, to impotent guys, death is just a minor side effect.” (Leno)
Valley Girl: Fran Drescher was reportedly ticketed outside a Sherman Oaks department store for parking in a handicapped space. “If you think about that, it sort of makes sense.” (Premiere Radio)
Kingfish: Tornadoes ruined towns in South Dakota; twisters wrecked Alabama, Tennessee and Florida; mudslides clobbered California. “James Cameron has just agreed to direct ‘El Nino.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)
Starry Starr: Astronomers have discovered another planet in our galaxy. “They say this planet is a ball of gas two to three times bigger than Kenneth Starr.” (Leno)
Which Came First?: Cher’s TV special, “Sonny & Me: Cher Remembers,” was about life with her late ex-husband, Sonny Bono. “Bono was a comedian before he went to Congress. Most congressmen do it the other way around.” (Hamilton)
Embryonic: The group Hanson released an album of early work. “It’s called ‘Hanson, the Sonogram.’ ” (Leno)
Oxymoron Update:
* family vacation
* athletic scholarship
* political science
(Joan Pinkham)
*
Oldie but Goodie:
In a note, Will Couzin wondered why we sometimes run classic jokes in this column. Then he suggested this one:
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. Looking up, Holmes asks, “What do you see, Watson?”
“I see the stars.”
“And what does it mean to you, Watson?”
“It means that tomorrow will be a nice day. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“It means that someone has stolen our tent.”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.