Punch Lines
Newspeak: “The election results are in. Because of Proposition 227 passing, tonight’s entire monologue will be in English.” (Jay Leno)
High: International pilots have made a list of the most dangerous airports. “For me, it’s any airport with See’s candies and a long layover.” (Stephen Hendricks)
Gnat’s All, Folks: Scientists writing in Nature Genetics announced that fruit flies implanted with a certain human gene live up to 40% longer. “Now . . . is this really a problem? Fruit flies not living long enough? Do we really need older fruit flies? If you want older fruit flies, teach them to look both ways before crossing the highway.” (Steve Voldseth)
Hot: “Armageddon” is the huge-budget disaster film due this summer. “In the film, an unexpected catastrophe threatens to cause untold destruction: Hillary turns state’s evidence.” (Argus Hamilton)
Game Boy: Kenneth Starr has subpoenaed Monica Lewinsky’s reading list from a Washington, D.C., bookstore. “Starr wants to know not only what books she read, but also which page she found Waldo on.” (Gil Christner)
Mr. Potatoe Head: Looks like Dan Quayle will be running for president. “Quayle said today if he doesn’t get the Republican nomination in 2000, he will run again in four years, in the year 6000.” (Leno)
Shook Up?: “I would like to send this message to my neighbors. That wasn’t an earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce I now have nuclear weapons.” (Dennis Miller)
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No Bull About It
We offer here a few of Jay Leno’s observations on Game 3 of the NBA finals:
* “I saw ‘A Perfect Murder’ yesterday. Not the movie, the Bulls game.”
* “The Chicago Bulls beat the Utah Jazz by a score of 96-54, in front of 23,844 spectators. Actually that’s 23,855 spectators if you count the Jazz.”
* “Utah only scored 54 points. The last time a basketball team scored that low, it was on their SATs.”
* “In the fourth quarter, Michael Jordan wasn’t even playing. He was sitting on the bench with ice bags on his knees. What’s he doing? Interning at the White House?”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.