Punch Lines
Deja Vu: A tabloid reports that Paula Jones has decided to get a nose job. “Is that such a good idea? Isn’t there a chance Clinton might not recognize her and hit on her all over again?” (Jay Leno)
Hail to the Chief: Dennis Rodman was sued for sexual assault by a Las Vegas woman. She said he invited her to his hotel room and exposed himself. “This is major trouble. It’s a federal crime to impersonate the president.” (Argus Hamilton)
Clap Your Hands: Dan Quayle is hinting that he may run for president in 2000. “Well, he’s sure got the comedy writer’s vote.” (Albert Cecera)
Water World: New York is reporting a shortage of lifeguards. “Well, actually, they are not that needed. I mean most of the people in New York waters are dead already.” (Cecera)
Ten Lashes: A woman in Orlando, Fla., was convicted of unsafe driving while applying mascara in her car. “The actual charge was DUA--driving under the influence of Avon.” (Gil Christner)
Hiccup: Scientists have been studying the behavior of drunken flies. “Of course flies get drunk. Why do you think they call it ‘getting buzzed’?” (Perrotta)
Famous Lives: “The Truman Show” remains the No. 1 movie. “They’re already talking about a sequel, ‘The Kennedy Show.’ It’ll be a 24-hour porn channel. Then there’s ‘The Bess Truman Show,’ in which a man slowly discovers he is actually the first lady.” (Perrotta)
Blind Mating: David Weinlick married Elizabeth Runze after she applied for the job and was approved by his family and friends. “Well, that takes all the tension out of wondering how far to go on the first date.” (Gary Easley)
More: At the marriage ceremony of Weinlick and Runze, the minister said, “You may now meet the bride.” (Easley)
That’s No Bull: What will happen to the Bulls now that the NBA finals are over? Michael Jordan could retire, Scottie Pippen may get traded, and Dennis Rodman will join the Spice Girls as Nutmeg. (Perrotta)
What a Hunk: Of course the big story continues to be those pictures of Monica Lewinsky in this month’s issue of Vanity Fair. “Now there’s nothing wrong with a little pudginess, but for home subscribers, it brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘bulk mail.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)
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