Punch Lines

Unbright: Los Angeles, instead of New York, will be host to the Grammy Awards. “The Spice Girls, excited about the news, said they hope to be invited to the ceremony next year and perhaps even get nominated for an Oscar.” (Andrew Wisot)

Not Mensa: The Spice Girls kicked off their U.S. tour in West Palm Beach, Fla. “The girls got confused, however, when they went to the beach and couldn’t find the arena.” (Wisot)

Sea World: President Clinton sent a letter of congratulations to honor the opening of the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. “Clinton loves ocean life. On his last trip to Disney World, he brought the Little Mermaid back to his hotel room.” (Argus Hamilton)

To Life: Tony Randall, 78, became a father once again. His wife gave birth to their second child. “Tony says he just wants to live long enough to see his kids graduate preschool.” (Jay Leno)

Lesson Not Learned: Mitsubishi Motors will pay a record $34 million to settle a sexual harassment suit brought by female employees. “Even though they have to pay all this money, they still don’t get it. Like the other day, they said they think they got a bad break in the case because the judge was a chick.” (Leno)

*

Golden Oldie

This classic comes from Argus Hamilton:

Two men meet at the Pearly Gates of heaven. The first man says, “How did you get here?”

“I froze to death,” the second man replies. “And how did you get here?”

“I died of joy,” the first man answers.

“How does someone die of joy?”

“Well,” began the first man, “I came home from work and the house was immaculate. I knew my wife must be having an affair. She wouldn’t clean for me. So I searched the bedrooms, bathrooms, the entire upstairs, and I still couldn’t find anyone. Then I saw flowers on the table, and I knew I was right. I searched under the furniture, in the basement, and I still couldn’t find anyone. Then I smelled pot roast and I knew. But still, no one was in sight. I finally realized she must have done all this for me. I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I had a heart attack and died of joy.”

“Pal,” says the other man, “if you had only looked in the freezer, we’d both be alive today.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.