Punch Lines

Mean and Sober: Basketball star Charles Barkley says he'll no longer drink six beers and six cocktails the night before games. "It was affecting his shooting. The last three bar patrons missed the front window completely." (Argus Hamilton)

Friendlier Skies: To make airport runways safer, the FAA wants to require three minutes between takeoffs. "This would alter the current four hours and three minutes." (Alan Ray)

Over Easy: Fertility experts say the price of human eggs has doubled in recent months. "In fact, the fertility clinic in my neighborhood in now open 24 hours and has a Slurpee machine." (Steve Voldseth)

Speaking of Reproduction: Ted Kennedy's son Ted Jr. had a son this week. "He and his wife wanted to name the baby after his grandfather, but 'Fat Drunken Booze-Hound' wouldn't fit on the birth certificate." (Premiere Radio)

O.J. Spinoff: Fred Goldman will host a new TV show called "Search for Justice." "Doesn't he know that any chance at being taken seriously was killed by his mustache?" (Premiere Radio)

Sein Language: Ads on the last "Seinfeld" will cost $1.9 million for a 30-second spot. "Two-million dollars for 30 seconds? That's also Bill Clinton's legal-expense-to-sexual-gratification ratio." (Jerry Perisho)

When Animals Attack: Tommy Lee was arrested last week, accused of attacking his wife, Pamela. "The video should be on the Internet within a week." (Mark Efman)

Animals II: Pamela Lee filed for divorce. California is a community property state, so things will be divided equally. "Tommy will get the two overstuffed divans; Pamela will keep her breasts." (Perisho)

Animals III: "No word on who gets custody of the camcorder." (Alex Kaseberg)


David Letterman at 50% Strength:

Top 10 ways to make New York a nice place to live . . .

10. Goodbye, crack dens; hello, luxury crack suites.

7. Instead of cabs, giant winged monkeys that carry you by your suspenders.

6. Attach outboard motor to Manhattan island and drive it to the Bahamas.

5. For first time in 30 years, start enforcing "No Homicide" rule.

1. Change name to "New and Improved York."


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