Punch Lines

Mime Alert: World-famous mime Marcel Marceau, 74, appeared at the Wiltern Theatre recently. "He may be the greatest mime ever. The day he dies, we should all pause for a moment of noise." (Argus Hamilton)

Legal Etiquette: Martha Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for claiming she had a borderline personality disorder. "Her case will settle an important legal issue: Should a subpoena be served before or after dinner?" (Alan Ray)

Hate Spate: A study says the number of hate groups in the U.S. rose 20% last year. "And that was just people who can't stand the Spice Girls." (Jerry Perisho)

Where's the Briefs? Two New Zealand playwrights say the idea for "The Full Monty" was stolen from their 1987 play. "They plan to take the movie's producers to court and sue their pants off." (Joshua Sostrin)

For the Next Storm: "The rules for evacuating lifeboats in L.A. are women and children first, then men who dress like women, then women who dress like men, and then men." (Jay Leno)

Ships Ahoy: "Titanic" is the first film to earn $1 billion. All that money for a movie about a shipwreck. "20th Century Fox is already working on its next major film, 'Exxon Valdez.' " (Perisho)

Titanic Clones: "Already there are rip-offs, people trying to capitalize on it. Have you seen this new one, 'Britannica'? It's about a bunch of encyclopedia salesmen in a leaky rowboat." (Leno)

Another Iceberg: The success of "Titanic" could affect the studio. "It will have to release three Kevin Costner movies by April 15 to convince the IRS it was just another break-even year." (Hamilton)

R.I.P.: Hallmark is introducing suicide greeting cards. "I'm not sure this is something people want. This year, I sent out over 100 of them--and not one in return." (Steve Voldseth)


The Essential David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you're at a bad McDonald's:

10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.

9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.

4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.

3. You spill a vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.

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