A Scoop That’s Sure to Jolt Coffee Drinkers

Too often, pointy-headed intellectuals dismiss local TV news as so much melodramatic fluff. Well, I’m happy to see that KNBC is taking the high road. On Wednesday, I heard a radio promo in which Channel 4 anchor Paul Moyer previewed a very disturbing story.

Moyer asked listeners in ominous tones whether they really thought that when they ordered decaf that they would be served drinks containing no caffeine. “Get ready for a jolt,” he warned. I’ll tell you what. Knowing KNBC is investigating the big ones makes me a lot less jittery.

EVEN WORSE THAN DECAF? Hey, Only in L.A. has its own scoops, too. Silvia Terrones of L.A. teamed up with us to reveal that a sign next to a pool in one public park reminds visitors not to drink the contents (see photo).

TALK ABOUT GETTING A HEAD START IN BUSINESS! Pam Schulz of Culver City passed along an ad for a prize contest from a Santa Monica newspaper that was missing a key word (see accompanying).

As for how the ad read, Schulz commented, “Sure I’d like to win one of these locations!”

AND THE ANSWER IS: Elyse Verse of West L.A. reports she was walking by the premises of her neighborhood palm reader when she noticed “two people in the front room, watching [TV’s] ‘Jeopardy,’ and I wondered, ‘Do they know?’ ”

THE THING IS . . . : What I’m wondering is how Verse knew I would receive a second note about that very same show from none other than Franklin Ruehl, host of the cable TV program “Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion.”

“On Tuesday evening, Feb. 24, 1998,” Ruehl charged, “ ‘Jeopardy,’ the answer-and-question program that demands absolutely correct and exact responses from its participants, blundered horribly! An answer identified actor Ted Cassidy as having portrayed ‘Thing’ on [TV’s] ‘Addams Family.’ But, Cassidy played Lurch, the butler. ‘Thing’ was always identified in the credits as being portrayed by ‘Itself.’ ”

YOU WILL HEAR FROM OTHERS . . . : I should have been able to predict the result after discussing the Stan Freberg routine about the fortune cookie message that said, “Help me. I am being held captive in a fortune cookie factory.”

Now I’m hearing everyone else’s memorable messages. Bud Coffey of San Bernardino said via e-mail: “Imagine my surprise when I read the following fortune. . . . ‘Toreador pants make your ankles look bigger, too.’ ” (As the Chinese say, “Ole!”)

Then there was the experience of former actress Davey Davison, whose fortune was: “Will you marry me?” No, it wasn’t a proposal from the waiter. Her boyfriend, Realtor Mike Silverman, had rigged the cookie. Davison wept--usually not a good sign when a Realtor’s trying to close a deal. But they were happy tears and she said yes.

ANGELENOS ON THE ROAD: Skip Kain and Kent Bridwell spotted a travelers’ advisory on California 99 near Delano that would give pause to most anyone, with the possible exception of Thing (see photo).

OH, MY ACHING ACRONYM: Christy Robinson of Long Beach was amused to see a van whose markings said, “LAX Emergency Medical Service.” Of course “LAX” referred to the airport, not to response time. Acronyms can sometimes send the wrong message. Years ago, I wisecracked that First Interstate Bank was afraid to call its dependability into question by referring to itself as FIB.

Whereupon a FIB official asked why my company never referred to itself as the LAT newspaper.

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Well, gotta go. I have to leave the office, it’s a special night. Robert Downey Jr. is dropping over for dinner. I think I’ll wear my toreador pants.