Punch Lines

Yo Quiero NAFTA: The movie “Primary Colors” opens next week. “John Travolta plays the Bill Clinton character. The Hillary part went to Emma Thompson. And Ross Perot is played by the little Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercial.” (Jay Leno)

School Daze: California State University trustees want to turn a former mental hospital into a college. “No one will notice much difference. It’ll still be a bunch of old guys with doctorates spouting psychobabble to people under the influence of mind-altering drugs.” (Trace Keasler)

Conspiracy Theories: President Clinton’s former Whitewater partner James McDougal died of a heart attack. “The president was surprised. He said, ‘Really? I thought it was supposed to be a stroke.’ ” (Leno)

Art News: Tourists in Italy were allowed to glimpse Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper,” which has been undergoing restoration since 1978. “The biggest change is a previously uncovered sign on the far wall reading, ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation.’ ” (Bob Mills)

Yo Quiero Taco Bell’s Cabeza on a Platter: The head of a Florida Latino group says the Taco Bell Chihuahua ad is a “hate crime” against Latinos. “He said the same thing about the National Weather Service blaming record rains on El Nin~o.” (Daily Scoop)

Subliminal Lyrics: A report says some of country singer Neal McCoy’s fans have made him the beneficiary of their life insurance policies. “When McCoy heard the news, he went to work on a country remake of Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Suicide Solution.’ ” (Ann Harrison)

Downey Soft: A judge says Robert Downey Jr. may no longer leave prison to work on his film “Two Girls and a Guy.” “In response, the producers said they would simply film the movie in jail and change the title to ‘Two Guys and Another Guy.’ ” (Leno)

R.I.P.: The man who developed the 9-1-1 emergency response system has died at age 87. “His last words were, ‘Nine, one, arrgghhhh!’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Clone Zone: French scientists say they have cloned a female calf. “Next they hope to clone a thigh.” (Valerie Hansen)

*

The Alternative Top 10:

Premiere Radio’s top signs the president is about to be impeached . . .

5. Everything he does has the word “gate” attached to it.

*

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.