Punch Lines

Apocalypse Soon: Astronomers say a giant asteroid could collide with Earth in 30 years. “They say the impact would have the explosive force of more than two bags of olestra potato chips.” (Jay Leno)

Asteroid II: “If this planet is wiped out in 2028, we’ll never find out how Ken Starr’s investigation turns out.” (Bill Maher)

Take a Number: “Larry King’s favorite movie is ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’--give or take six brothers.” (Bob Somerby)

Barbie Uncensored: Mattel is suing a London men’s magazine for publishing pictures of Barbie and Ken dolls in sexual positions. “In a related story, Hasbro is suing to keep a Pamela Lee-G.I. Joe sex tape off the Internet.” (Premiere Radio)

Notorious O.J.: A new O.J. Simpson rumor says he wants to become a rap singer. “And with two murders under his belt, he’s certainly qualified.” (Daily Scoop)

Dogs on Ice: Alaska’s annual Iditarod dog-sled race is underway. “This year’s race is surrounded by controversy because one of the dogs trashed its hotel room and two others tested positive for marijuana.” (Conan O’Brien)

Book Ban: San Francisco’s school board is still wrestling over a plan to require that 70% of schoolbooks be by nonwhite authors. “To defuse the controversy, the board is considering a compromise plan under which students would read books only by Michael Jackson.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Birthday Boy: Sam Donaldson turned 64 last week and got a special surprise from his wife. “She woke up, remembered it was his birthday, started running her fingers through his hair and decided to give him a call at the office.” (Steve Voldseth)

Yo Quiero Ingles: California rescinded a decades-old policy requiring bilingual education. “The move prompted Taco Bell to replace its talking Chihuahua with an old English sheep dog.” (Jerry Perisho)

MIA: Air Force One disappeared from radar for 24 seconds last week. “Oddly, during the same 24 seconds, Iranian radar picked up the whereabouts of Salman Rushdie.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Kill ‘Er Up: “Gasoline prices are so low that, for a limited time only, Jack Kevorkian will leave any car in your garage, running with the door closed, for just $99.95.” (Voldseth)

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