Punch Lines

Pay Attention: The National Attention Deficit Disorder Assn. is holding its annual convention this week. “I said, the National Attention Deficit Disorder Assn. is holding its annual convention this week.” (Steve Voldseth)

Death Device: A Michigan judge has ordered prosecutors to either charge Jack Kevorkian or give him back his suicide machine. “Dr. Death says he needs the machine returned because he has been trying to kill people with a rented carpet cleaner.” (Dennis Miller)

Crowd Control: In Ghana, President Clinton was mobbed by a huge crowd. It was embarrassing for the Secret Service because people almost got trampled to death. “And it was embarrassing for Clinton, because the crowd was mobbing him because they thought he was John Travolta.” (Bill Maher)

Zero to Dark Brown in 60 Seconds: Porsche has come out with a line of high-end kitchen appliances. “That would explain the bumper sticker ‘My other car is a toaster.’ ” (Voldseth)

Toy Boat Toy Boat: Toy companies are now flocking to cash in on the movie “Titanic.” “This has to be a marketing department’s dream: a toy that’s supposed to fall apart.” (Paul Steinberg)

Anniversary: During this week in 1847, Mormon leader Brigham Young married his 42nd wife. “He was sort of the Larry King of his day.” (Jay Leno)

Scouting Report: California’s Supreme Court ruled that Boy Scouts can exclude gays. “In response, gay activists immediately formed their own group called the Girl Scouts.” (Premiere Radio)

Unagroper: Paula Jones’ lawyers released court transcripts and eyewitness testimony detailing Bill Clinton’s alleged womanizing. It totaled 700 pages. “And that’s not including the foreword written by Wilt Chamberlain.” (Argus Hamilton)

What About Ricki Lake?: The Senate has revoked “Great Lake” status for Lake Champlain. “It was downgraded to ‘Pretty Darn Good Lake.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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The Substitute Top 10:

Comedy writer Chris Pina’s Top Changes in the Dodgers Organization After Being Bought By Rupert Murdoch . . .

10. Dodgers announcer to be renamed Agent Scully.

9. A Wayans brother must play left field.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.