No Showtime? This Was a Real No-Show

Since the Lakers don’t grasp the concept, we’ll make this as simple as possible.

The Western Conference finals is a best-of-seven series, played in a 2-2-1-1-1 format. Game 2 will be played Monday in Utah, then the series moves to the Great Western Forum for Games 3 and 4.

One more thing: Game 1 was played Saturday, a fact that apparently qualifies as news to most of the team because they didn’t bother to show up.

Rick Fox scored the Lakers’ only field goal in the first nine minutes of the game, Corie Blount did the one thing he’s supposed to do--rebound--and Kobe Bryant made four of his first seven shots.

The rest of the Lakers better hope no one accused them of committing a crime Saturday afternoon, because they can’t claim they were playing basketball at the Delta Center as an alibi.

You didn’t need the game notes to tell which team was playing its first conference final since 1991 and which team was playing in its fourth since 1994. The Utah Jazz knew what these games require.

“I thought their intensity was a lot better than ours,” Laker guard Nick Van Exel said. “From their starters all the way to their bench.”

The Lakers were so bad, this game was over so early (try two minutes into the second quarter), that they actually managed to make these frenzied Utah fans quiet in the fourth quarter. This was so pathetic it wasn’t even fun for them to cheer anymore. The Lakers were so monumentally awful that it’s tough to come up with ways to describe it. Fortunately, the numbers say everything.

Numbers such as that final score of 112-77, the largest margin of defeat in Laker playoff history.

And 29.5%, the worst shooting percentage in Laker playoff history.

There. No more adjectives necessary.

Plenty of questions are in order, however.

How could the Lakers not be ready for such a big game?

How could they let Utah defenders jostle them out of position, get up in their faces on defense, swipe balls out of their hands and take them out of their game?

How could they let the Jazz, be it John Stockton and Karl Malone or Howard Eisley and Adam Keefe, run their pick-and-roll at will all game?

What else were they expecting?

And, uh, what happened to Shaquille O’Neal?

Most teams would be pretty content to get 19 points and eight rebounds from their starting center. Those numbers won’t do for Shaq. They also don’t tell the story of his 0-for-4 first quarter, when Greg Foster and Greg Ostertag outscored him, 6-0.

O’Neal looked tentative, and so did the rest of the Lakers.

O’Neal had seven turnovers. He had more missed shots in the paint than missed free throws, which is saying something after his seven-for-16 effort from the line.

“One of those days,” O’Neal said.

When you’re the superstar, you can have “those days” in November. Not in May. It’s inexcusable.

But the surest bet in sports right now is that O’Neal won’t have another one of those days on Monday. Scanning the memory banks, it’s hard to recall O’Neal playing two horrendous games back-to-back.

The past was the only place the Lakers could find comfort Sunday. The combination of historical precedents and the Lakers’ talent ought to be enough to convince anyone that this series isn’t over.

“Same thing happened last series, in case you guys forgot,” O’Neal said, with no need to remind anyone of how the Lakers then took out Seattle. Van Exel remembered the 96-71 opening loss to Seattle in the 1995 first-round series.

“We bounced back from that,” he said.

Other folks might recall the 148-114 “Memorial Day Massacre” in Boston in 1985. Perhaps even take it as an omen. The 34-point loss in Game 1 set the old record for worst defeat, and the Lakers came back to take that championship series.

But Saturday’s game caused some ugly flashbacks too.

Eddie Jones went into his turtle mode again, emerging from his shell just long enough to score six points. Van Exel looked like the hothead of old, with a technical foul and a demonstration of the same technique he used to knock Ronnie Garretson onto the scorer’s table in 1996 to pick up a flagrant foul Saturday on Adam Keefe.

Someone better send out the ski patrol to search the Wasatch Mountains for any signs of Elden Campbell (one for four, one rebound in 14 minutes).

Another notable absence was Bear, Utah’s annoying, motorcycle-driving mascot.

“He must have had another engagement,” a Jazz public relations person said.

When you’re the mascot for the only major professional team in the state, what could possibly be more important than a playoff game on a Saturday?

The larger question is, when you’re a team intent on winning a championship, how can you forget to play the first game of the conference finals?

At least Bear was busy doing something, which is more than the Lakers can say.