Laugh Lines
At McDisney’s: “McDonald’s will open up in Disneyland. But since it will be charging Disney prices, the sign on the golden arches will read, ‘Over 23 billion fleeced.’ ” (Gary Easley)
No Basketball Allowed: As the lockout continues, the NBA has officially canceled the rest of November’s scheduled games. “And facing impeachment proceedings, President Clinton met with the teams’ owners in an effort to learn how he could organize a lockout of both chambers of Congress.” (Johsua Sostrin)
Truth Will Out: Scientists announced a new drug that helps restore memory. “The Republicans love this new pill. It’s strong enough so that President Clinton can remember being alone with Monica, but weak enough so that George Bush still can’t remember if he was in the loop on Iran-Contra.” (Argus Hamilton)
Big Spenders: The GOP launched a $10-million advertising blitz attacking President Clinton and the scandal. “They’re spending $10 million to attack a guy who’s not even running, and they want to convince us they’ll be frugal with our money?” (Premiere Radio)
Seeing Fit: Monica Lewinsky was spotted checking into the L.A. Fitness Center with a personal trainer. “She’s ballooned up to 170 pounds. Weight gain is generally the first thing that happens when you give up cigars.” (Hamilton)
A Penny Saved: Congress and President Clinton agreed on a budget that still left the U.S. with $50 billion in the bank. “It’s simply a matter of pride. We don’t want anyone to think that we’re suing Bill Gates for the money.” (Hamilton)
The Opposite Sex: Last week, Hillary Clinton attended a luncheon with 125 gay and lesbian activists. “Hillary said, ‘It was fantastic. It’s the first time I’ve been in a room full of people who haven’t had sex with my husband.” (Conan O’ Brien)
Something Different: A new drug can help people with a shyness disorder. “It’ll replace an older drug, called booze.” (Premiere Radio)
Jabs and Gibes: Why are there so few knockout jokes in this space? “Because you can usually see the punch line coming from a mile away!” (LaMonte Laments)
Child Play: According to a study by the union representing writers, young writers are the most likely to get the top film and television assignments. “That’s true--producers wouldn’t even look at my script unit I redid it in crayon.” (Alex Kaseberg)
TV Talk: Fox Family Channel is creating two new cable channels: the Boyz Channel and the Girlz Channel. “Both channels will be broadcasting in stereotypes.” (Premiere)
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