LAUGH LINES

A Birthday!: Mickey Mouse is 70 years old today. “As Mickey is so fond of saying, ‘You’re only as old as the lead in a No. 2 pencil.’ ” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Another Birthday!: Prince Charles is celebrating his 50th birthday this week, with family. “They have their favorite games. But Queen Elizabeth won’t play checkers with him anymore because he’s always shouting ‘King me!’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

And Tomorrow Is: the Great American Smokeout. Plan on “going someplace quiet, where there are no distractions. Maybe a movie, or a Lakers’ game.” (Cortes)

On the Medical Front: Germany’s Complementary Medicine Research says use of the echinacea root as an herbal cold and flu remedy is essentially ineffective. “It always happens that way. People finally figure out how to pronounce ‘echinacea,’ and the stuff is proven to be worthless.” (Ira Lawson)

Speaking of Medical Men: Brad Pitt is playing Death in a new film, “Meet Joe Black,” in which Death comes to Earth. “One of the films most tense moments comes when Pitt’s character confronts Dr. Kevorkian and tells him, ‘Hey, leave some for me!’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

The Real Winner: After learning that her sexual harassment case against President Clinton had been settled, a grateful Paula Jones replied, “I feel that I have won.” “After learning that they no longer would have to see Jones’ picture in the newspaper, the grateful average American replied, ‘I feel that I have won.’ ” (Chris King)

News from the Big Apple: New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has ordered a crackdown on subway slobs. “The fine is $50 for littering and $25 for sipping coffee on a moving train. And if a mugger shows dirty fingernails, bail is denied.” (Hamilton)

Ratings Update: The TV show “Good Morning, America” is in big trouble. “I don’t want to say the ratings are bad, but they changed the name of the show today to ‘Good Morning, Bob.’ See, There’s only one guy watching now. He lives in Topeka. That’s Bob.” (Jay Leno)

The One Who Never Forgets: Scientists at the University of Richmond in Virginia have completed a study indicating that motherhood can improve a woman’s memory. “You ever wonder why your mom is able to remember every stupid think you ever did in your life? That’s why.” (Leno)

You’ve Got Mail: The New York Post says Bill Clinton’s latest obsession is surfing the Web at night. “He had better behave. It’s only a matter of time before somebody catches Ken Starr looking through his windows.” (Hamilton)

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