LAUGH LINES
America on Loan: America Online has agreed to buy Netscape in a $4 billion deal that would create a single Internet company. “Now when you log on to AOL, it says, ‘You’ve got mail. And could we borrow a few bucks?’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
Body Watch: A new study reveals that half of all adults in Southern California are overweight. “When they say the TV camera adds 20 pounds, they aren’t kidding.” (Kaseberg)
Dressed Down: Jurors were heard laughing at Bill Gates as he testified in the Microsoft antitrust suit. “His tie and pocket protector didn’t match.” (Gary Easley)
Oops!: Universal Studios will open a Bob Marley Theme Park in Kingston, Jamaica. “When you stay at the park’s theme hotel, three ghosts visit you in the middle of the night. Oh, wait, that’s the Jacob Marley Theme Park. Sorry!” (Jerry Perisho)
Back at the Bob Park: “Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rides.” (Premiere Radio)
And Speaking of Theme Parks: It’s been reported that 62 people were stricken with salmonella poisoning after drinking unpasteurized orange juice at Disney World. “That’s not news. We’ve seen that in the headlines before. Everybody knows O.J. can kill you.” (Jay Leno)
The High Rate Districts: The Highway Loss Data Institute says in a recent report that where you live affects the size of your car insurance premium. “The most expensive places to live are Miami, New York and the Melrose onramp to the Hollywood Freeway.” (Perisho)
From the Sports Desk: The Detroit Tigers have signed right-handed pitcher Masao Kida to a two-year contract. “He played for the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants. This will never work. Japanese imports have never been welcomed in Motown.” (Perisho)
And Speaking of Sports: George Steinbrenner wants to sell the Yankees but still keep control. “That’s called having your team and screwing it up too.” (Easley)
Clear Those Aisles!: Wal-Mart and Kmart are embroiled in a price war over Viagra. “Reaction is ecstatic. In fact, some people are so excited over the low prices they no longer need the drug.” (Argus Hamilton)
Car Phony: “Mercedes-Benz’s takeover of the Chrysler Corp.--this is amazing to me. Mercedes owns Chrysler. Now you get your K-Car with leather, how cool is that? And how many guys are going to try and impress women? ‘Hey girls, I’m driving a ’68 Mercedes Dart.’ ” (Leno)
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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
