Off-Kilter

Unidentified Flying Pickles Department: A top-secret pickle experiment was unveiled this week when Vlasic Foods introduced the world’s largest pickle slices, big enough to cover almost an entire hamburger.

Dubbed “Operation Frisbee,” the four-year project resulted in cucumbers that grow 16 inches long and 3 inches thick--about 10 times the size of conventional pickles. Jars of the saucer-sized slices should be in stores by March, a spokesman said.

Meanwhile, pickle scientist Frank Meczkowski, the so-called Thomas Edison of pickles, is already working on the company’s next cucumber innovation, which should be ready by summer. Vlasic won’t reveal details but promises something “revolutionary.”

A talking pickle, perhaps? Or maybe a digital dill that, when sliced, becomes a set of compact discs?

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Scotch Tape Mummies Department: Just in time for Halloween, General Mills is wrapping up a contest in which children ages 6 to 12 were invited to submit scary book titles. The winning name will be turned into a short story by R.L. Stine, author of creepy tales for kids.

Among the terrifying entries:

* “Peanut Butter Blood!”

* “My Baby Brother’s Bad Breath.”

* “The Sixth-Grade Boy With a Potty Mouth.”

* “Crusty Backyard Dirt.”

* “When Chihuahuas Howl.”

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Insect Impressionists Bureau: The town of Marshall, Texas, will host its 16th annual Fire Ant Festival this weekend, featuring a contest in which humans try to imitate the fire ant’s “mating call” by squeaking, howling and screeching their lungs out.

Actually, the fierce little bugs don’t make an audible mating call, but the winner still gets a $150 prize.

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Jurassic Cereal Department: Quaker instant oatmeal now comes in a “Dinosaur Eggs” version that hatches miniature stegosauri and triceratops when hot water is added.

We don’t want to alarm any youngsters reading this, but the baby dinosaurs are real and they will grow inside your stomach and eat their way out in the middle of the night.

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May the Fries Be With You: Leaving no merchandising angle unturned, George Lucas’ company has authorized “The Star Wars Cookbook” (Chronicle), featuring recipes based on the overhyped movie series.

The dishes include Yoda Soda (made with lime sherbet and tonic water), Han-Burgers (named after Han Solo) and Princess Leia Danish (spiral-shaped cinnamon buns resembling the character’s hairdo).

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Someone Needs a Civics Lesson Department: In Tuesday’s column, we inadvertently elevated Helen Chenoweth and Dan Burton to a higher office. They are actually members of the House of Representatives. Our editor has authorized an impeachment inquiry.

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Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Wife’s Spirit Nags Hubby During Seance! ‘She’s Dead but She Still Won’t Shut Up,’ Says Widower!” (Weekly World News)

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* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, Wireless Flash News Service, Henry R. McCarty