CHRIS DUFRESNE’S TOP 25

1: Ohio State: 4-0: Mess with our assistants and they’ll punch your lights out.

2: Nebraska: 5-0: Rankman penalized five yards for excessive celebration after Washington win.

3: UCLA: 3-0: Picked the wrong week to lose tailback J. Lewis.

4: Tennessee: 4-0: Picked the wrong week to lose tailback J. Lewis.

5: Florida: 4-1: Spurrier names Palmer starter; would rather be playing golf with Nicklaus.

6: Georgia: 4-0: QB Quincy Carter tells Jimmy he has a strange brother named Billy too.

7: Florida State: 4-1: Deion Sanders and Vinny Testaverde recall when FSU-Miami game meant something.

8: Arizona: 5-0: After vault to win gold medal in Sydney, Ortege Jenkins carried off floor by Bela Karolyi.

9: Kansas State: 4-0: Wildcats open season Saturday in Boulder.

10: LSU: 3-1: DiNardo and Syracuse’s Paul Pasqualoni meet in Yalta to discuss befuddling losses.

11: Colorado: 5-0: Record more suspicious than Tyson opponent Peter McNeely’s.

12: Penn State: 3-1: OK, big shot Ohio State assistant, let’s see you break the glass in Paterno’s lenses.

13: Wisconsin: 5-0: Front-running Cheeseheads hop midnight freight from Green Bay to Madison.

14: Oregon 4-0: Dan Fouts wonders why Ducks didn’t throw ball like this when he was in Eugene.

15: USC: 4-1: No rush to start Palmer at QB; only the Rose Bowl is at stake.

16: Texas A&M;: 4-1: Willing to forfeit all games for one win over Nebraska.

17: Virginia: 5-0: Virginias 17 through 19 threaten to break off and form poll folk trio.

18: West Virginia: 3-1: Twenty-two starters doze off during film study of Temple.

19: Virginia Tech: 4-0: SWAC suspends Rankman for missing Thursday ESPN game because of Cub Scout meeting.

20: Notre Dame: 3-1: Only Kreskin predicted Irish would have more wins than Arizona State on Oct. 9.

21: Arkansas: 4-0: No lie, Coach Houston Nutt has a brother named Dicky.

22: Tulane: 4-0: Tommy Bowden uses bye week to install new offense for Terry at Auburn.

23: Syracuse: 2-2: And you thought Monica Lewinsky was a tease.

24: North Carolina State: 3-1: Leads nation in tear-down-the-goal-posts games with two (Florida State, Syracuse).

25: Missouri: 3-1: Renaldo and Bebeto signed to help prepare for Oct. 24 rematch against Nebraska.