Punch Lines

Biting Remarks: Mike Tyson’s boxing license was reinstated as Magic Johnson and Muhammad Ali stood up with him. “Next, they’ll tell the House Judiciary Committee that they believe President Clinton is fit to start dating again.” (Argus Hamilton)

Please Stand By: Nickelodeon has announced that it will soon launch a new cable channel expressly for women: “Programs will not begin at precise times but, rather, will be aired on a ‘when ready’ schedule.” (Bob Mills)

Standardized Seasoning: The herb industry wants to impose standardization on supplements. “Hopes are dim for it to work because they still can’t agree on whether or not to pronounce the H.” (Gary Easley)

The Numbers Game: According to a new survey, men in their 20s picked Pamela Anderson as their fantasy date while guys in their 30s preferred Sandra Bullock. “Men in their 40s picked women their age minus 20 years.” (Andrew Wisot)

Please Go Home: Scientists in Oregon have unearthed a house they believe to be almost 10,000 years old. “They also uncovered compelling evidence that Kato Kaelin once occupied the guest room.” (Mills)

New Mergers: “Dateline NBC” has a deal with Good Housekeeping magazine and now carries that periodical’s Seal of Approval. “Not to be outdone, Jerry Springer has just announced an affiliation with Ring,” a wrestling magazine. (Ira Lawson)

Spring Break: State police in Delaware have charged more than 30 students with trespassing after finding empty beer cans and marijuana under high school football field bleachers. “ ‘We get very upset when these kids break into places just to party,’ says a police spokesman, ‘especially when they don’t invite us.’ ” (Lawson)

If It Doesn’t Fit. . .: L.A. County prosecutors want O.J. Simpson’s daughter Arnelle to pay $13,000 to repair damages she caused while driving drunk. “She’s fighting the claim but promises a worldwide search for the real driver.” (Jerry Perisho)

Spaced Out: A North Carolina man says he’s invented a UFO detector that he’s selling for $15. “The device also doubles as an imbecile detector. If you buy one, you’re an imbecile.” (Lawson)

History Lesson: Oliver Stone will direct “Marching to Valhalla,” a film about Gen. George Custer’s last stand. “According to Stone, Custer’s real killer was hidden from sight at Little Big Horn behind the Little Big Grassy Knoll.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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