Punch Lines
On the Store Front: Kroger Co., the nation’s largest grocery chain, is buying Ralphs for $8 billion. “The original price was $12 billion, but Kroger pulled out a $2-billion coupon that Ralphs not only accepted but doubled as well.” (Joshua Sostrin)
Peace Talks: King Hussein of Jordan flew to Maryland and stepped in to mediate the Middle East peace talks. “That allowed President Clinton time to make 200 illegal campaign phone calls and still have a few minutes for six Big Macs and a fling with an intern.” (Jerry Perisho)
Lying High: The Josephson Institute of Ethics has issued a study revealing that 75% of teens lie to their teachers and 92% lie to their parents. “And in a sign of the times, the good news is that today’s teens still have an approval rating of over 65%.” (Sostrin)
Memory Lane: Doctors have reported amazing results with a new drug that restores memory. “After taking the drug, many test patients suddenly screamed, ‘Oh, my God, I did vote for Clinton!’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
The Tin Man: “Recently, Al Gore was asked how he felt about President Clinton’s current problems and responded, ‘Right now I could cry about it but I’d rust.’ ” (Chris Pina)
Trailer Depot: “Lawyers for President Clinton rejected a final $2-million settlement suggested by the Paula Jones legal team saying, ‘We’re sorry but we’re staying with our original offer of $75 and new aluminum siding for her trailer.’ ” (Pina)
In Wonderland: “60 Minutes” may do a report on allegations that Disney theme parks are extraordinarily dangerous. “In fact, 46% of parents who pay to take their kids to either Disneyland or Disney World end up filing for protection at the Main Street Bankruptcy Court.” (Perisho)
Gates Case: The government has opened its case against Microsoft. “The last straw was Microsoft’s demand that Internet Explorer be the official Web browser for this sector of the galaxy.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
Getting the 976: Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says he ordered the interest rate drop after making a special phone call. Thank you, Dionne Warwick! Thank you, Psychic Hotline!” (Perisho)
Bomb Attack: Actor Kevin Costner will star in “13 Days,” a film about the Cuban missile crisis. “He’s perfect for the part. Who knows more about cinematic bombs than Costner?” (Perisho)
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
