Transsexual Dad Should Put Daughters’ Rights First

I’m a firm believer that children of divorce need--and deserve--a relationship with both parents, no matter how bitter their split.

I also have strong feelings about the rights of those who choose to be different, and that includes transsexuals.

But I want to tell you about two young Garden Grove girls, ages 11 and 9, who ought to have some rights too. They’ve become victims in a bizarre dilemma they did nothing to create.

They’ve been ordered by an Orange County Superior Court judge to visit this afternoon with their father, who is in the middle of a divorce from their mother.

For the first time, the girls will see their father dressed as a woman.

The girls’ court-approved therapist says they are not emotionally prepared for this visit. She recommends more therapy first. But the judge in this bitter custody issue is following the advice of the father’s own therapist--that it’s time for him to renew contact with his daughters.

Judges in Orange County’s family law court have to make difficult decisions on gut-wrenching issues every day. Though I believe Superior Court Judge Jonathan H. Cannon has made some mistakes in this case, I can understand how tough his job must be. I don’t question that the best interests of the children are his primary concern.

Still, these girls have got a rough road ahead of them. Let me take you to the beginning. . . .

Their mother grew up without a father, so a normal family life was her biggest dream. (I’m not using the parents’ names to help protect the children’s identities.) Unfortunately for her, she married someone still trying to understand his own sexuality.

They were married in 1986 and soon had two children. The father was a successful computer programmer, and they seemed to be creating for their daughters the life the mother had hoped for in her own childhood. But a few years ago, she stumbled across her husband’s secret life. Upon his return from a business trip, she found a makeup kit in his suitcase.

He told her that experimenting with life as a woman was just something he liked to do on occasion; she shouldn’t consider it any big deal. But it gradually took over his life, and they separated two years ago.

At first, the father kept his lifestyle hidden from his daughters in visits with them. But that changed this year as he began preparations for a sex-change operation.

Because doctors want assurance that the patient is serious about this change, the father began taking hormones that grow his breasts and started dressing more openly as a woman. He still dressed in men’s clothes for visits, but there were enough telltale signs that the girls could see what was going on. Alarmed by their reaction, the mother cut off the visits in June.

To help with his rulings, Judge Cannon approved a therapist for the girls recommended by the mother’s attorney, Cassandra Jones of Santa Ana. The therapist, Muriel Golub, has since visited with the girls seven times to help them deal with their father’s lifestyle change.

But Golub says she needs more time to prepare them for resuming a relationship. Essentially, they first have to deal with the fact that the father they knew and loved simply doesn’t exist any more, Golub told the court. In fact, he now goes by a woman’s name. And the girls are adamant that they do not want to see him as a woman.

But the judge’s response to Golub is that the father has rights, that a sex-change operation is a legal procedure in California and that a delay could do more long-term harm than good. Cannon ordered a reunification plan for restoring a father-daughters relationship.

Here’s an exchange from the transcript of a hearing in open court last week:

Golub: “My preference for them is they could grow up more slowly than they may have to by order of the court.”

Judge Cannon: “Some children are not allowed that luxury. Some children have to grow up [quickly] just because of circumstances, the way life is.

“These children, unfortunately, are going to have to learn a lot more about sex, about gender and the ability of a surgeon to change those than most children will ever have to learn.”

I imagine some of you readers are not entirely comfortable with transsexuals, and at this point want to hang the judge in effigy. But Cannon goes on to make a good argument that I think speaks to the future of these cases, as more and more Americans decide to undergo sex change operations.

Judge Cannon: “They need to have contact with their father, even if they hate him. . . . Maybe they might come to a different conclusion. They may come to some other understanding with him and have a different relationship. I’m sure that is his hope. . . . We’ll never know unless they’re given the opportunity to be with their parent.”

So don’t interpret that I’m against transsexuals maintaining a bond with their children. But geez, these girls aren’t even teenagers yet. They’re at an age where they’re talking with friends about school and boys and maybe having sleepovers. How do you throw this one into the conversation? There are no easy answers.

Here’s one mistake I thought the judge made: He should have appointed an attorney to represent the children. That’s often done in Superior Court. Right now, the two attorneys in the case represent the two parents. And both parents think they know what’s best.

An attorney representing the children wouldn’t give a whit how the parents felt. She or he would advocate solely for the children’s interests. And that’s the viewpoint the judge needs to hear. If that attorney advocated visitations resuming now without more therapy first, then at least the judge would be getting the best, unbiased advice.

I don’t doubt the father loves his daughters. And if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want to be parted from my children a single day longer than I had to. But if their court-approved therapist said to me, They’re just not ready to see you like this, I would hope I could somehow set aside my own feelings. I’d take an expert’s advice on what was best for my children.

Whichever way this goes, these girls’ childhoods are about to take a dramatic turn. We can only pray it works out OK for them.

Jerry Hicks’ column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Readers may reach Hicks by calling the Times Orange County Edition at (714) 966-7823 or by fax to (714) 966-7711, or e-mail to jerry.hicks@latimes.com.