Punch Lines

It’s Labor Day: The NFL season is underway. “The Dallas Cowboys have a new slogan this year: ‘Talk to My Lawyer.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Toad Hop: Florida’s Disney World is closing its popular Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride attraction after 27 years. “They didn’t want to. To comply with new federal truth-in-labeling laws, it was that or rename it Mr. Visitor’s Long Wait.” (Steve Voldseth)

New Fads: Office Depot has purchased the rights to use the PTA logo. “PTA officials are hopeful schoolchildren will now consider purchasing staple guns instead of real guns to solve their disputes.” (David Christensen)

Discovery Zone: Postal officials announced a plan to make it easier to track your mail. “Their first step is to try to figure out what those five numbers included with the address mean.” (Christensen)

Just Say No: Researchers at Boston University claim smoking can reverse the effects of Viagra. “If this doesn’t get people to stop smoking, nothing will.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

The Safe Way: A dozen female employees at Safeway are formally protesting the supermarket chain’s “smile-and-make-eye-contact rule,” complaining that male customers think they’re flirting with them. “Furthermore, the employees are pushing to have the cashier counter no longer referred to as the ‘checkout line.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Block Busters: “Deep Impact” reportedly did better at the Japanese box office than “Godzilla.” “Showing absolutely nothing on a movie screen would do better than ‘Godzilla.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

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The Essential David Letterman:

Top things that average Americans think “NASDAQ” is . . .

10. The drug Mark McGwire uses to hit home runs.

9. One of the sweathogs on “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

8. Merv Griffin’s Peruvian houseboy.

7. I dunno, but it has something to do with how Jodie Foster got pregnant.

6. That country whose butt we kicked in the Gulf War.

4. Something you bake in brownies and sell at Phish concerts.

3. Pakistan’s version of the Rat Pack.

1. The North American Society of Daqs.

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